who's up for pretending to ride a bike while laying on a bed?

Anyone? Anyone? Buehler?

Although it is not unusual for me to completely drop the ball w/r/t blogging, this might be the first time I have ever had a really, really, really good reason.

In a nutshell...

Two days after my last post, I spent the day in the ER and almost died because of the swine flu. But not really. I was in the ER all day, but it was not because of the swine flu. Not sure exactly what it was yet. I go back in for some more follow-up shiz this upcoming week. Cross your fingers.

I'd like to wait until then to broadcast anything more.

Anyway!

I thought I'd break back into blogging today. Why not? Thursdays are awesome. Not as awesome as Fridays, but they're pretty damn close, if only logistically.

For my first effort this round, I'd like to re-visit one of my favorite passive aggressive encounters of all time.

Once upon a time, I bought a margarita pizza from Maria's in Ferndale and it was delicious. I brought the pizza home and wanted to ensure that my abundance of leftovers would at least make it through the night and hopefully a few days beyond that. So. I left a note on the top of the box, on top of the stove and then went to meet some friends for drinks. This is the note:



When I came home, I thought to myself, "you know what would be really delicious right now? some effing margarita pizza."

I went straight for the box and opened it up to find it completely emptied of pizza with this note in its place:



You may or may not recognize the handwriting. It was Paul's. I became so insanely angry in one second that my head started hurting. I exclaimed aloud, "mother fucker! where is my goddamn pizza?! I KNEW IT!!! I swear to god and all that is holy... Mother F! Ugh..." and so on and so forth.

And then, when my cheeks were nice and rosy from my verbal fit of rage I heard laughter. I thought to myself, "oh, what in the holy hell now goddammit."

Paul came walking into the kitchen laughing hysterically. "I am so sorry hahahaha but you should have heard yourself hahaha and you your face hahaha oh man that was totally worth it hahaha i put your pizza in a bag in the fridge. i'm sorry hahaha i just couldn't resist."

"Wait. What? The pizza's in the fridge?!"

"Yes."

"Sweet!"


and now for something lovely...

I may or may not have posted this on here before. But that's ok because I love it so much. And you know, on second that, I hope this is at least the third time I've shared it. It makes me that happy.

Enjoy!

eff you!

I don't know about you guys, but I am still tired from this weekend. It was ridiculously busy, but soooo much fun. It was chock full of friends and family and music and alcohol AND! I crossed "meet Kelly Clarkson" off of my bucket list. I did not have "also, hug her" on there, but I added it real quick and then crossed that mother off too.

I would like to take this opportunity to announce that, contrary to popular belief, Kelly Clarkson is NOT fat. I repeat: NOT fat. She's short and curvy like most of the women in my family. If she is fat, then I am also fat. Seriously. She was gracious and lovely and sweet and down to Earth.

For as ecstatic as I was (and still am) about meeting her, I was also really bummed out. It really drove home the whole body image/low self-esteem bull shit that's constantly re-enforced on the teevee and newsstands and in theatres everywhere across America.

And you know... I understand that it's important to be healthy and that obesity is a serious issue in this nation. BUT, Ms. Clarkson looks normal and healthy. I feel like she only looks fat in comparison to her peers who are more or less twigs.

Take for instance, Brandi Carlile...

First of all, I adore her. I think she's a force of nature and quite possibly one of the greatest artists of all freaking time. But she is so damn skinny, that if she turned sideways, she'd straight up disappear. She looks so "normal" in press photos and videos online that seeing her in person had a jaw dropping effect. 5'3"-ish and 90 lbs. is not "normal".

But, hey. Maybe I'm way off here. What do you think? And please, allow me to preface the following side-by-side comparison with this: 95% of the women in my life are the same size, if not larger, than Kelly Clarkson. I can count the number of "Brandi Carlile"s I know on one hand.

Observe:



I guess my point with all of this is to say that:

1. I love Kelly Clarkson (with all my heart)
2. she is not fat and
3. for the love of all that's sacred, love your curves!!


And now onto what felt like a very appropriate photo-opp for today...

This one goes out to the bitches in the entertainment industry who make us feel like shit, to Mondays, annoying co-workers and to the people who ruin my life every day in the parking structure. You know who you are...



I found this in a nursing administration office. Something tells me, they do no not like their job and/or life.

rinse and repeat.

Found this last night in the Traffic Jam bathroom. This hand dryer comes with very specific instructions. They read as follows:


1. SHAKE EXCESS WATER FROM HANDS
2. PUSH KNOB - STOPS AUTOMATICALLY
3. RUB HANDS LIGHTLY AND RAPIDLY
4. TURN LOUVER UPWARD TO DRY FACE


Got it? Good.


Also...

If you haven't done so yet, check out The Laramie Project. Rent it, stream it, hit up youtube, whatevs. You need to see it. Last night I went to the Hilberry to check out The Laramie Project : Ten Years Later (An Epilogue). I've been sticking to the ridiculous lately, so I don't wanna suck all the fun out of, what I can only assume, has been an extraordinary tuesday for you. But it IS important, so read about it here.


Lastly...

I've watched this video maybe 28 times and it still moves me. Who's excited for fourth row KC on the 25th? (!!!) Life is good.

"your welcome" kthxbye

Last night, McMannus and I went to the Kings of Leon concert at the Palace. It still blows my mind that they played there as the headliner. I mean, seriously. That place is ginormous and they have ONE song on the radio.

They packed in a shit ton of people, although I suspect that a substantial portion of them were there to hear, either, "Sex On Fire" or "Use Somebody". My theory may or may not have been proven correct due to the amount of people that swarmed the exits after each song was played.

The show itself was alright. I think they'd do much better in a smaller venue. Maybe The Filmore or The Fox. No lie, I started falling asleep during their first encore song. I have no idea what it was called (i was part of team "all i wanna hear is "Manhattan") but it dragged on and on and on.

The bathrooms were super interesting at the Palace and at the Post bar across the street. Never mind that there were exactly 435-ish bump-it sightings, the bathrooms were the place to be.

your welcome!


In case you can't read the bubbly 14 year-old girl pen scribble, one thoughtful patron scrawled the following in a ball point pen:

I wright
on bathroom
stalls so you
have Something to
read while you pee!
Your Welcome!

Worst e.e.cummings poem EVER.

She returned sometime later to add another blurb below...

Bill Nye would be sooo proud.

Hey I'm back
did you know the
Best hangover cure in
the world is to eat pickles
& drink water the next morning!
try it - it works!

Somewhere between the shuttle ride across the street and a quick stop at the over-priced bars in the Palace turned some lovely bump-it sporting ladies into Jean Claude Van Damme/MacGyver rage-aholics.

call me an elf one more time...


tampon? check. razor blade? double check.

it must be italian...

It has been exactly 642 days since my last confession...

Seriously, it's been a while. How are you? I hope you're doing well. We have a lot to catch up on. Rather than expound upon every little detail or give a broad stroke account of the last 9 or so months, I'd like to simply change gears.

Let's just look at some photos, shall we? Great.

Welcome


Earlier this summer I was working on a project in a few satellite U of M buildings in Ann Arbor. In a tiny tucked away corner of one such building, I found a fantastic white board that the department staff had animated with a series of grievances and warnings.


"...so take off all your clothes."


It really was sweltering in that office. So hot, in fact, that I was dripping in sweat standing still.


exhibit A.


Seriously.


Umm...what?


This one set my internal danger level to orange. What in the hell was going on in that office? Cockroaches? Their entire families? Were they responsible for "killing" the fake plants? Probably.


yeah, that pretty much covers it.



hail mary, full of grace...

And last, but certainly not least... This little gem was taped to the side of a moving box at the Nissan development headquarters in Farmington Hills, MI. They really, really want you to be careful with the contents in this box:

Dear Mama Chaiken (aka Ilene, Mama C, the devil, etc.)

This probably needs some editing, but i'm fired up/on a mission, so it's getting posted now...

Once upon a time, this girl (me) was trying to play it straight, when i found myself wandering through the DVD section in Target and i happened to come upon this gem:



Obvs i bought it and ran home and watched the entire season in maybe two days. I was hooked.

For me, the L word totally changed my life. I mean, this show, this one that i now loathe, made me feel like it was ok to be gay, like maybe, just maybe my options stretched beyond flannel and mullets.

Today (or really, yesterday) the series ended and I am so completely pissed off that the show has gone so completely off the deep end i can barely stand it.

No, i take that back. I can't stand it. I really can't. I think that Ilene Chaiken is a self-righteous asshole/terrible writer. She took a really amazing thing, which, ps, was totally her idea in the first place and let it mutate into something that i feel embarassed to associate myself with. The L word is now, to me, something i can barely stomach, like that god-awful Shot At Love show people keep telling me about. It's really an effing shame that it had to go like this.

The writing has gone so completely down hill that I cringe, literally CRINGE when i watch the credits and see: "WRITTEN BY ILENE CHAIKEN". Wanna know why? Because she is a terrible writer. She is sooo bad at telling stories it nearly makes my ears bleed.

I dunno. I guess I'm just pissed b/c I used to feel like the show stood for something, like i had this one great thing i could call my own that was an important representation of our "community". And now...

Tonight was the last episode, and thank g-d, because it was getting pretty rough. This entire season, and most of the last two seasons have been so bad i wanna gouge my eyes out. I kind of feel like they jumped the shark when they killed Dana/left Carmen at the alter. I mean... Really, Papi? Really?!

Who would leave her at the alter?



The answer is NO ONE.

Also, early thirty-something tennis pros do not get diagnosed with an early stage of breast cancer and then die like, two months later. It just doesn't fucking happen. You know what else doesn't happen? Um... Transmen who are nearing the end of their transition do NOT get fucking pregnant, even if they have unprotected vaginal intercourse with their gay boyfriend. Which, i mean, HELLO! So much of that (second to) last sentence doesn't make any GD sense.

She should've lived.



He should NOT have been forced to sport ANY facial hair b/c we can all safely say that none of it worked.



Ilene! You are killing me.

Scratch that. You killed Jenny. Or maybe Sounder did. Although i kind of feel like Mark did b/c Jenny obvs stole his camera for her cute/ridiculous "farewell video" or whatever the fuck that was supposed to be, aka the vagina tease that showed 2.5 seconds of Carmen off somewhere being hot/NOT having sex with Shane. I mean, SERIOUSLY!!

This shit has gotten so bad i feel embarassed for everyone involved.


(makes me miss the soul patch and i never, EVER thought i'd say that.)

Tonight, my friends and i gathered to watch the show armed with a drinking game that was totally awesome and was basically the highlight of the night (thank you, Chelsea!). And it's sad, b/c the highlight should've been all the warm fuzzy feelings we had about a show that changed us all in one way shape or form, FINALLY coming full circle.

But you know what? The show didn't even kind of come full circle, unless you count the cute deja vu moment that happened when Shane was coming home in the AM and Tina and Bette were sitting on the porch just like they did in the very first episode. You know, back when the show used to be good.



(ps: thank you Dorothy Surrenders for making these)

There was absolutely no resolution. In fact, i would say, of the few shows i have ever seen all the way through, i feel like they left way more loose ends than they tied up. I mean, even the series finale of Arrested Development felt like it concluded in some fashion b/c they were at least (!!!) closing one chapter, leaving the possibility for another one to follow.

But tonight, they just started a whole mess of shit and asked a lot questions that were never answered and only alluded to Jenny's death. THE WHOLE ENTIRE CLIFF HANGER OF THIS G-D FORSAKEN SEASON WAS ABOUT WHO KILLED JENNY AND WE DIDN'T EVEN SEE HER DIE!!



I mean, who should i have blown to get a good story out of Ilene? Worst episode ever, except maybe the one where nothing happened. Wait... that was like half 12 episodes. Or maybe the one where they threw the baby shower and everyone was talking at the same time about birthing plans for no reason whatsoever. Or every single episode beyond giving Max facial hair, or after Jenny went mean crazy and not funny crazy. I mean, W? T? F? Ilene, Ilene, Ilene...

You killed me softly tonight. You really did. Thanks for ruining something i really loved. Thanks for ending a show that changed my life in the worst way possible. Thanks for being a vagina tease all these years. Thanks for mis-representing trans issues. Thanks for killing Dana. (Thanks for at least admitting that that was a horrible idea.) Thanks for never placing value on character backstories. Thanks for Papi. Thanks for writing horrible dialog. Thanks for changing everyone's personalities constantly. Thanks for sending characters into the vortex. Thanks for making all of us want to pull out our hair out every episode of late. And most of all, thanks for being really self-righteous about it the entire fucking time.

You are a horrible, horrible writer and i am very, very disappointed in the way you handled the "conclusion" of a really fucking important show.

Thanks.

Talk to you never,
Elida

today, my number one feeling is: orange. because nothing rhymes with orange, or so im told. i really haven't looked into it.

When I was younger I spent a lot of time inside my head plotting grand schemes and adventures and predicting my future. I was the weirdo kid who drew up business plans, hand crafted musical instruments out of paper towel rolls, rubber bands and shoe boxes , sketched out the blue prints for the house I was going to build and took a mob-like approach to a lemonade stand that I ran for only one, albeit, very successful day.



I was convinced that I was fully capable of coming up with a flavor of chewing gum that would revolutionize the industry, that I would write an Oscar winning screenplay at the age of 12 and that one day my family and I (because of our infinite talents and irresistible charisma) would all be famous like the Kennedy’s, except w/o the curse part.

I was always taking notes; having started a journal in the fourth grade b/c my teacher told me it was a good idea. I noted the way my parents raised me, the decisions everyone made around me and I told myself I would learn from everyone’s mistakes, thus eliminating the hassle of making my own. It would free up an awful lot of the time necessary for achieving the laundry list of shit I felt was completely within my grasp.

As the years have rolled on, I’ve had the wind knocked out of me enough times to know that with all my high hopes, I am still capable of a lot of the silly ideas I had, but I am not however, exempt from making roughly one billion mistakes along the way.

Some of my greatest (aka, favorite) ideas i've had along the way are things that I still plan to do one day.

1. Build a tree house like the one in Swiss Family Robinson.



That movie changed my life in so many ways. Have you seen the film? I still, STILL love that movie as much now as i did the first time I saw it. They live in the most amazing tree house of all time. It is my plan, to one day, build a tree house exactly like the one in the movie.

I used to throw the movie on and pause it at the appropriate times so I could fine tune the blue print I was drafting. I drew side views and front views and planned where the furniture would go and studied our Atlas for potential uncharted islands where I could set up my little get-away.

Unfortunately, the sketches I made were lost in one of our moves. But I still plan to build a tree house like theirs one day. And it won’t be one of those stupid ones I keep finding online. It has to be half fort, half house and the coconut grenades will absolutely be part of the equation.

2. Run my own company.



Technically, technically, I have already done this one. Jarvis and I started up a film company that is still in existence. However, because we have yet to finish the two films we shot and because we rarely see each other anymore, I cannot officially cross this off my list, which is why it’s here now.

In my weirdo dreams as a tot I owned a fake company with my cousin David. We named the company D.E. Electronics and to this day I have no idea what we were pretending to sell. But in the lengthy infomercial like commercials we produced, you would think we had that shit nailed down. I produced graphs and charts comparing our company to our “competitors” and explained in clear plain English, that our company was simply the best blahblahblah. I should dig up those videos.

My point is, I was practicing for the two jobs I would hold one day. The first being my job for Valassis, aka corporate America, aka the man, the second one is my current job at BPI Information Systems, which, ps, I have a hard time explaining to people just like I did w/the fake electronics company I had when I was 13.

3. Be in a band.



Ok, technically, I also did this one too/am doing it right now. BUT, since I am not in a band called Hanson, this one is also technically not completed yet.

I started guitar lessons when I was maybe 5 and then I started piano lessons maybe a year or so later that would continue for more than a few years. I have since forgotten pretty much everything I ever learned on the piano and regret that I didn’t stick with is. But, I only half regret it b/c I picked up the drums a few years after and I like the drums a lot more, so whatever.

Anyway, I was obsessed with Hanson when I was younger. They rocked my world like whoa, and I will always, always, always love them for that.

When I was younger I would very frequently cancel plans with friends or tell them I couldn’t hang out cause I was “busy” so that I could escape to my room of handmade instruments. I already owned a midget guitar, or wait… sorry--a "little people" guitar--but I needed a bass so I made one out of shit I found around the house and then made a drum kit out of pots and pans and banged on them with the handles of wooden spoons.

I had a boom box that I would record my songs on and often times I would force my sisters to play along b/c it was pretty much impossible to play all of the parts by myself and all at the same time. Oh man! I forgot about my Casio keyboard! That thing was, I am not kidding, the coolest thing ever. I also used that for my fake band and cursed my sisters for not possessing the necessary musical talent, the desire to play music with me in the first place and the dream of one day being on TRL.

Sidenote: I loved TRL when it first started. I used to tape the show and study it for my other future career…

4. Be a host on TRL and/or a radio DJ.



The boom box did double duty and also served as a tool I would use to make my own radio shows that I would spend two weeks writing, recording and producing. I would then force my mother to listen to it on her way to work and force my dad and my sisters to listen to it on our way to his house on the weekends we'd spend with him.

I would include weather forecasts and hot news stories and little anecdotes that I thought were very clever. I wasted roughly 10,000 trees drafting and revising my scripts and the different components that made it up.

I also wrote, produced, directed and edited a fake TRL I made with my BFF from middle school. We took turns hosting and there was a period of time when I was obsessed with speeding up and slowing down the film, during which time I may or may not have aimed a fan at my BFF for a fake hair product commercial.

Also, this dream will never come true b/c they cancelled the show. Boo.

5. Own my own newspaper.



Around the holidays I used to put out newsletters. And when I say “put out”, I mean I would show up at my grandma’s house and race into the den to start work on it. I would write, edit and print out exactly too many copies of my newsletter and then force everyone to read it after dinner. They always had clever titles like the “Gobbler Gazette” and the one I did at Christmas time that I can’t recall right now, but was probably equally lame.

I’d put in word searches and word scrambles and articles about whatever holiday it was inter-spliced with fake advertisements so they would know I was legit.

Ho hum.

I may or may not continue this list. Right now, i have to get back to "work". In the meantime, what were some of your crazy ideas and do you plan on ever crossing them off your proverbial list?

Discuss.

will post pics later... or now.

Once upon a time, Katrina Gulligan and i filled out a myspace survey together. Today, we are going to do that once again. Unlike last time, we will also be writing the questions b/c all of the myspace surveys have been uber lame lately.

Who is someo​ne that can alway​s make you laugh​?​ ​
E: Kat
K: Sarah Palin

What were you doing​ at 10am this morni​ng?​
E: On 8 mile dropping off my paid for lady friend from last night....needless to say i was late for work.
K: I was walking on sunshine!



What were you doing an hour ago?
E: Picking up another hooker
K: Eating mushroom soup.​

Do you plan on movin​g withi​n the next year?​
E: Yes. I plan on moving back to Zimbabwe, my homeland.
K: Moving on up... to the east side.

Are you weari​ng anyth​ing on your feet?​
E: Stripper heels with the fish still in them...
K: 3 pairs of socks because it's ccccold up here. Gay.

What are you looki​ng forwa​rd to in the next 3 month​s?​
E: I'm looking uh forward to uh the uh um...winning the nobel prize um for uh white water rafting.
K: I'm looking forward to the age of aquarius.

Do you remem​ber your dream​s?​
E:(Clearly not because she's taking forever to think of a single dream) Sometimes (I waited five minutes to type that answer)
K: Yes.

Where​ did your last hug take place​?​
E: Since my hug monitor (Kat) couldn't verify my last two hours in the hug log...i'm going to say Kat in an alley.
K Actually it was in a foyer.

Have you been to a baby showe​r?​
E: I'm mexican what do you think?!
K: No, and baby's raining would be all sorts of weird.

What cell phone​ compa​ny do you use?
E:
K:

What color​ is your hair brush​?​
E: Glittery rainbow.
K: Mauve

Do you watch​ the Super​ Bowl?​
E: Do a dogs lips move when he reads?
K: Shit son. Not since dinosaurs roamed the earth.

What about​ World​ Cup?
E: No. I don't believe in soccer.
K: Yes, when that girl took off her shirt like 10 years ago.



Do you sleep​ with a teddy​ bear?​
E: Maybe....who's asking?
K: No....only a mermaid.

What is the last movie​ you watch​ed?​
E: Debbie Does Dallas
K: Debbie Does Dallas Again.

What movie​ do you think​ every​one shoul​d watch​?​
E: Debbie Does Dallas
K: Debbie Does Dallas Again.

What is your middl​e name?​
E: Consuela
K: Diane Neal

Do you have your futur​e child​ren'​s names​ picke​d out?
E: But of course - ready? Ok: Malachi, Ezekiel, Jeremiah (like the bullfrog), Templeton, Gert and Huey.
K: Gulliver, Xanga, Dotcom, and Thor.

What color​ is your mailb​ox?​
E: Gold??????????????????????????????????????????
K: Whatever color it wants to be that day

Do you have to drive​ over a bridg​e to get home?​
E: Only a bridge over troubled water unless the levee breaks.
K: Some bridge to terabithia

How many cars can fit in your drive​way?​
E: 13.43333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333
K:1975.32 (you can stack them)

Who was your Kinde​rgard​en teach​er?​
E: My grandma, actually
K: Miss Moaner

Are you talle​r than your mom?
E: Only on tuesdays and thursdays (see stripper heels above) which is why i visit on saturdays
K:No, but I'm taller than your mom. I talled your mom last night actually

Do you have any bruis​es right​ now?
E: Yes...i was in a cage fight last night....but you should have seen the other guy....you can still see his dental records, but that's about it.
K: I'm the other guy.

Are you cold right​ now?
E: No, i'm sitting in an oven. I keep my room at Hansel and gretal temperature. It's roughly 140 degrees celsius right now.
K: I'm sweating my proverbial balls off

Do any of your close​ frien​ds have kids?​
E: Just your five kids
K: No....i have a strict rule against procreation that I enforce with homosexuality

Do you know anyon​e who is pregn​ant right​ now?
E: Well, me.
K: Yeah 3 people! And i might be a god mother....oh geez

How many years​ older​ and young​er than you are you willi​ng to date?​
E: 53 Years give or take
K: 2 months younger....50 years older

What brand​ are your favor​ite jeans​ you own?
E: Osh Kosh B'gosh
K: Gloria Vanderbilt

What is the close​st red objec​t to you?
E: Mars
K: A Panda



What is your favor​ite video​ game?​
E: Original Mario Brothers
k: Oh geez. Mario Kart, Beetle Adventure Racing, Cool Boarders 3, Wave Race....SPYRO!!!!!!!!!!!!!, Goldeneye, Perfect Dark. Toy Story, Mario Part. Super Mario Brother 3

Do you play games​ on your cell phone​?​
E: I don't play games. Period.
K: You keep saying to quit playing games with your heart.

Do you look more like your mom or dad?
E: I look like the milk man
K:I look like i'm adopted

Have you ever broke​n a pinat​a?​
E: I'm mexican....I can't afford a pinata
K: I merked that bad boy.



If someo​ne doesn​t like you its proba​bly becau​se:​
E: Because they're busy hating the player and not the game
K: They're jealous of the perfect package
just kiddi​ng.​

Who was the last perso​n in your bedro​om?​
E: your girlfriend
K: my girlfriend

Have you ever crawl​ed throu​gh a windo​w?​
E: Yeah!!! OMG I had to break into my house, two weeks ago....it wasn't until I tried to take the tv out of the house and the police were called that I realized it wasn't my house. it happens a lot.

Do you lose your keys often​?​
E:No i keep them on a hook i had that i had implanted into my uh neck...but it's magnetic so even if i bend over it doesn't fall off
K: I don't want to talk about it

When was your last encou​nter with the polic​e?​
E: Undercover cop. drugs. prostitutes may or may not have been involved.
K: It was when I got kicked out of canada....please.

Do you sing in the showe​r?​
E: YES! Showtunes!
K: No.... I don't have a shower....or vocal cords for that matter.

My three favorite things today:

Eric's mustache.


JP:


And hanging out with Kat.

it's about effing time.

Guess what? I may or may not have started, stalled and then abandoned 15,000 blog posts. Holler for ADD and indecision! I have no idea how to combine all of them and/or edit them so I’m just going to start from scratch and do a “this is crap I am basically in love with right now” post. I’d do a “year in review” post, but I don’t really wanna talk about 2008. We’re still in a fight.

1. Fourfour



I found his blog through Riese many moons ago and I love it. I had been a little sluggish about my online reading which had a lot to do with number nine on this list. Fourfour does recaps of America’s Next Top Model, a show I’ve watched a handful of times. His screencaps paired with commentary are so spot on and hilarious that I have read nearly all of them. And I’m fairly certain that show has been on since the Brady Bunch did their variety show. Funny. Very, very funny.


2. This article



It’s called “15 Favorite Most Ridiculous Women” aka “15 Women Gay Men Love”. As the daughter of a gay man I understand the sort of unspoken obsession/love one has for people like Madonna and Liza and Whitney and Kathy Lee. It’s on par with watching/singing along to ‘Hello Dolly’ and possibly doing the can-can in the living room and maybe also watching ‘p.s. I love you’ with a box of Kleenex and cookies.

Much like the aforementioned activities, appreciating divas for their general fabulousness is undoubtedly coupled with watching their train-wreck selves say stupid shit and throw compacts at Madonna a la Courtney Love. This article is the pies de resistance, the best of the best, the homecoming court of crazy, if you will.


3. Riese’s Blog

She’s basically my hero. Reading her blog feels like going home. And as a person who doesn’t really remember what that feels like in real life, I really appreciate the shit out of finding it with my eyes on the internets. She’s made me laugh and she’s blown me away. It’s better than CATS, which, ps, I hate. (see also, The Phantom of The Opera, Romeo and Juliet and a play I did at HFCC a million years ago called 24 Hours to Live?)

Right now, she has a blog up about her hilarious mothers and their Chanukah wish lists. I was fighting the urge to roll on the floor laughing my ass off when I read it yesterday. I’m telling you, she’s funny.


4. Gmail, Gmail Chat, etc.

I heart Gmail. It’s just fabulous. It has its quirks like any other free web mail provider (i.e. you cant sort your email into file folders) but mostly it’s just awesome. It’s fast and the junk mail filter is awesome and they offer Gmail Chat which is about a million times better than any other chat program. I don’t even wanna talk about Facebook chat. We’re in a fight too b/c it fucks up all the time and makes me wanna pull my hair out. But Gmail, they got it right. The chat rarely times out, does not putz regardless of your internet speed (which is a big deal in my house now) and if you turn on the sound the little chime is not even slightly annoying.

5. Pepperocini’s



One of my failed blog entries was filled with three pages of me waxing crazy on how much I love pepperocinis. I really do love them a lot. I brought a jar of them to our recording sessions in Algonac and Chelsea looked at me like I had opened a jar of monkey testicles and started putting them in my life. I swear to you, pepperocinis are delicious. Theyre spicy and pickled and delicious. Holler!


6. This incident:

11.04.08

I engaged in one of the strangest text message convos of all time with the contact labeled in my phone as “Jay (soho)”. The following has been edited to spare any permanent emotional scarring:

ME: get your ass out and vote!
JAY: sure will! Who is this?
ME: It’s Elida.
JAY: ok cool. I’ll add you to my contacts.
ME: cool. :)

Then I received a call from him the following morning, which I missed b/c I was taking a shower. I thought it was weird and then…

JAY: Call me.

I looked at my phone and thought, that’s weird. Jay never calls me. But it can’t be that important b/c he didn’t leave a voicemail. Then, he called me AGAIN. I was annoyed so I ignored it. Of course, he decided to text me again.

JAY: Call me.
ME: Can’t. I’m at work.
JAY: What, you don’t eat lunch?

I mean, really, who asks that? So I decided to be a smart ass.

ME: Nope.
JAY: When do you get off work?

Then I thought, ok, what the fuck? Who is this guy and why is he pestering the shit out of me. There’s no way this is the Jay I know. Maybe Jay changed his number and I am somehow communicating with some random person. So, I decided to make shit up.

ME: I’m working late. I have a big project. I’m probs be burning the midnight oil.
JAY: Where do you work?

Really, Papi? Really?

ME: Deloitte. (hi, Michelle!)
JAY: When do you get off work?
ME: Where do you work?
JAY: When do you get off work?
ME: Answer my question.
JAY: What question?
ME: omg, where do you work?
JAY: Bridge Water.

Bridge Water? I googled it. Nothing came up.

Then several hours passed. He sent this:

JAY: So, I really want to figure out how I know you.
ME: I really don’t see the point.

I mean, really? What’s the point? I could tell he was a dude cause most dudes usually are waaayyy more aggressive and forward, especially via text. And then, he sent this:

JAY: Well, I’m single and looking for my queen. Could that be you?

I literally LOL-ed so intensely that I spit all over my phone. Cheese-tastic!

ME: Sorry but im a gay lady.
JAY: And?

Oh, gross. I HATE when straight guys think they are god’s gift to every woman on the planet. To those guys, the obnoxious ones like this guy, being gay means nothing to them. They don’t get it. They see a lesbian and they think: how can I get her to sleep with me and her lady friend at the same time? Newsflash to every straight guy everywhere: Lesbians do not want to have sex with you. If they wanted to, they’d be bi. So stop asking/alluding. Thanks. I digress…

ME: And I only date other gay ladies.
JAY: What’s wrong? Can’t handle a real man cant add real meat instead of plastic?

What? The? FUCK?! I was all, “aww heeeelllll noooo!” I slammed my phone shut and tried not to puke. Gross. Gross. Gross. And how fucking forward. What was he thinking? Omg. Omg. Omg.

ME: gross. I just threw up in my mouth.
JAY: hey, don’t you play guitar?

Dum. Dum. Dum.

I reeled back. What did he just ask me? How does this bastard know me?

ME: yeah.
JAY: I know how I me you. It was at a concert. We talked about playing a show together w/both our bands.
ME: hahaha. Wow.
JAY: we should jam together.

Hahaha. No thanks, Jay. You are officially cut off and furthermore, you should not really be allowed to talk to people. You are a creep ass. I’m still a little confused as to why he insists on texting me almost daily, at least once to say, “hey sexy.” I mean, c’mon. It’s been WEEKS since his disgusting comments and I have yet to respond to anything.

And then he sent me a picture via text message. This was maybe three days ago. I open my phone and see that it’s from, sick ass Jay and I rolled my eyes. Picture message? I braced myself and opened the message.

Of course, it was a picture of an 8 person orgy and the message read: “if u were 2 walk past this wud u walk away or join in? pass this on and find out who ur freaky friendz r!!!”

Ew.


7. This Snow!!

A soon as I leave work in t-minus 15 minutes, I am heading home to bundle up and then I plan on rolling in the snow til dinner time. A sled may or may not be involved. I mean, have you looked outside today? It’s amazing!


8. The Dark Knight



I’ve been watching that movie on loop, Blockbuster video store style since I got my hands on it a few days ago. Love it. It’s so good and it gets better every time I watch it. You know what probably doesn’t get better every time you watch it? “p.s. I love you”. That was the saddest effing movie I have ever seen. I cried through almost the entire thing. I mean, Christ. I cannot remember the last time I laughed whilst crying so hard I was choking. Saddest movie ever.

Wanna know what movie wont make you cry? Um… The Dark Knight? Why? Because there’s no crying in baseball. Wait… That’s not right.


9. Backgammon



I have already accepted the fact that I am 80 years old on the inside. The sooner you do too, the better. I play backgammon every single day and I have no idea why. Well, I mean, clearly I’m in love with it, so that’s probably why. But, the game is really not that amazing. But my brain seems to think so. I sit down at my computer and I think to myself, “you know what I should do right now? Play backgammon.”

In case you’re wondering, absolutely no one will play the game with me, so I have to play the computer, which is fine cause shes an animated lady and shes kinda pretty. So, I mean, that’s fine. Val tried to play with me while she was home and then accused me of making up the rules, even though she hasn’t played since the early nineties when she was practically just hatched. For real, val, I would not hussle you at backgammon cause I love both of you so much.

Even after I pulled out the official rules she claimed that I made those up too, “yeah but you found those on the internet,” she said.

“I got these from, like, the official backgammon society or whatever. It’s legit.”

Shaking her head, “I don’t wanna play anymore. This game sucks. And you’re cheating.”


10. Life

I couldn’t think of anything to put for number ten besides my favorite on-ramp. And I would’ve included that, but it’s closed for construction right now, so… It doesn’t get to make any lists until it re-opens and starts bringing joy to my life again.

But, it’s totally all good cause I’m so high on life I barely noticed. Holler! And I know that might sound crazy, and it’s probably annoying to be around, but I am really happy to be alive and writing this and working and breathing and drinking this bottle of Aquafina. I’d like to close with one of my favorite movie quotes of all time:

it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday.

Merry Christmas ya’ll! Wheee!

"The time has come," the Walrus said, "to talk of may things."

I've been feeling very quiet lately, which is probably why I haven't posted in a while. I'm not sad or super happy, I'm somewhere in the middle. I feel the sort of contentment you do when a lot has changed but you come out the other side of, yet another failed something or other, and you've survived, so it's ok.

I'm living with my dad(s) now officially. I'm all unpacked and I absolutely adore living there. It's really, really lovely. I like spending the time with my dad(s) and there isn't a lot of overhead lighting. I'm surrounded by beautiful things and there's always something on the stove or in the fryer.

I was walking through downtown Ferndale the other day and I felt really content. I love fall and I love this town and all of the people in it. I feel like I've taken some sort of happy pill/sedative combo. I have no idea what i want out of anything, from anyone or what i want to do with my life. And I'm really ok with that.

Right now, not knowing is the greatest feeling ever. I've known too much this year, carried so much weight on my shoulders that a break from that sort of responisibility/anxiety is so incredibly fabulous, I'm having a hard time expressing it w/o sounding incredibly cheesy/lame.



I thought about throwing my phone in the pond yesterday and not to be emo or dramatic; it just seemed like a good idea. But if there was an emergency id be fucked/out of the loop, so i didn't. But I really like this sort of disconnect I've felt these past few weeks.

It's even stranger b/c of the election and the state of our nation/the economy. There are so many things to freak out about. But I've done the best I can thus far and I will do my part again in november and there's not much i can change beyond that, so why get all worked up?

See, what I mean? It's creepy how calm I've been lately. Although, I should specify that by "calm", I mean I have basically avoided anything that would upset me.

For instance... any and all serious conversations are pretty much avoided completely whether they are via text, in person, over the phone (ps, i HATE talking on the phone to most anyone save for the people who live out of state who i never get to see) or email or whatever. I drop everything even slightly scary like a hot potato/bad habit/some other cliche and walk away. I just don't care.

I don't think I have the capacity to care for much right now. I'm a little tapped out in that department.

Lately, I identify a lot with this guy:



I've got sort of a hallow-tin-chest thing going on. It's really nice, though. Trust me. This is me being honest, not emo. I feel fantastic.

A lot of shit has gone down this year and I feel like I'm finally seeing a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. I feel like I'm doing a good bit of growing up too, which is pretty awesome.

I spend most of my nights at home working on music and watching my girlfriend on the teevee.



[Sidenote: I stage managed a production of The Wiz once. It was pretty awesome. When i went searching for a picture of The Tin Man, I thought back to the show I worked on at HFCC (ps: i think i learned more there than i did anywhere else even though i hated being there. they were underfunded and the director was a jack ass and everything smelled like a rotten appendage. but, dammit, i learned how to run a show and adopted a newfound aversion to sardines, almonds and shirts with holes in them. Anyway, here's a picture from that production.]



As of late, I have been fighting a bitch of a cold. I have officially annoyed the shit out of the few people I work with because of my incessant coughing. I have promised them on a number of occasions that I am doing everything in my power to fight the coughing. But still, the coughing continues. I'd stay home from work, but I'd rather be making money. And I've always had this rule, first put in place by my mother: "if you're not projectile vomiting, you're fine. go to work/school/wherevs". And she's right. I mean, personal obligations, like dinner plans or a movie or something, I've been cancelling those left and right cause I'm basically a walking sess pool of germs. But I will not skip out on work. I've never skipped out on work for a cold in my entire life.

Once, I had a tooth pulled on my lunch break, went back to work and finished out the day, gauze and all. Another time I lost my voice for three days in a row and I still went in every single day I was scheduled. I had my wisdom teeth pulled on a friday and by sunday i was still really swollen and miserable and the power was out in our house and most of our town and it was the dead of winter, but I still went to work because I was scheduled and we had generators to sell.

So, I definitely did not give even a moment's thought to not coming in to work. I don't care how annoying I am with my coughing. I want a normal paycheck, dammit. And since they won't put me on the health care plan yet, I feel like they deserve to listen to my cough.

One good thing about staying in and not getting sloshed on an all too regular basis is that I don't wake up feeling like shit anymore. Even with the cold, I feel better in the morning than I have in years. I know it's not rocket science, but some of us(mostly just me, probably) are a lot slower at learning some things.

I've become a little loopy and a lot goofier, I think. Exhibit A: band practice this past friday. I was swaying around a lot more than usual and doing a sort of interpretive dance to a couple songs. I think I probably acted a lot like I do when I'm drunk, just a lot quieter.



So, let's play catch-up on everything that you've missed since I last posted something here (a month and a half ago, ps)...

My dad's birthday was a hot mess. This photo really captures how ridiculous/fun that night was.



Then, less than a week later, I had my birthday. Jack Sparrow made me a hat. It was supposed to be a platypus.



Then, McMannus had her birthday. It started with hand made unicorn costumes...



and ended, like so many other nights at Soho do: on the 9 mile pony...



Roughly a week or so later (give or take, my memory is cloudy), I invented the bluetooth. You're welcome.



A few weeks after that, someone wrote this on the bathroom stall. And, ps, as of a few weeks ago, Soho started smelling absolutely awful. I mean, make you wanna vom, awful. It basically smelled like musty basement, wet, stale cigarettes, 3 day old caramelizing beer, and poopy shit.

The women's bathroom smelled like crotch rotch. And i apologize for using the term, but it is completely and totally accurate. I threw up in my mouth a little bit and i only had one drink. Trust me. It was bad.

I think it was because no one was cleaning the bathroom. There was a red shirt in the big handicapped stall that remained there for at least a week. I know, because i took pictures of it on my phone and sent it to Chelsea.

the nasty ass shirt:


the writing on the wall:


The other night at band practice, I caught Noel's cat Onyx drinking out of the toilet.



Thanks, to a one, Ms. Chelsea Fucking Carter, I have been listening to Adele somewhat obsessively. Now, before you start talking crazy, I am still madly in love with Missy Higgins and I've been playing "Secret" a lot lately (on the guitar. it's 3 notes, ps. ha!). But! I cannot get this song out of my head:

"Cold Shoulder" - Adele


And can we talk about how amazing Amy Poehler is at rapping?



I literally LOL-ed when I saw this the first time. Love, love, love it. I mean, she's soooo ready to pop and she's rapping with guys dressed up as Eskimos while shooting a different guy in a moose costume. I can't believe she's still on the show cause that kid is gonna come popping out in 2.5. Seriously. I feel like her water's gonna break in the middle of a show. And how funny is that kid gonna be? For anyone who doesn't already know, she's married to Will Arnett from Arrested Development (one of the greatest shows ever, ps) and Blades of Glory. They played husband and wife in the former and brother and sister in the latter. Both were hysterical.



Remember when "that's what she said" entered popular culture? Yeah, I do. It was funny, maybe the first 100 times I heard it and then a good friend of mine (for the sake of anonymity, we'll call him "Joe") picked it up and decided to run with it. I am not exaggerating when I say that, for the better part of a year, he could be counted on to say it after every single slight innuendo that would come up in conversation.

When he started saying it before anyone spoke, we knew it was probably time to cut him off.

Now, it's been quite some time since I've heard anyone throw the phrase around, but I made the mistake of talking about how much I hate it the other day while emailing Dave and Jen. This is what transpired after:

JEN's FRIEND: I had some fries today, for shame. I didn't eat too many, though, b/c they were thick and I like skinny, crispy ones.
JEN: Where did you go?
JEN'S FRIEND: Campus.
JEN: Jealous. I like the big thick ones.

JEN'S RESPONSE (to her own comment): That's what she said.

And then I heard from Dave...

JEN: Elida hates when people end things with "that's what she said". We have to be sure to start doing it around her a lot.
DAVE: That's what she said.

I can honestly say that I literally LOLed at their emails. Oh, btw, I think they stand a good chance at posing as the couples inside picture frames. Exhibit A:




I <3 Dave and Jen!


So, it's fall and the leaves are turning colors and I want to go for a walk or go to a cider mill or something. Oh! And i wanna bake apple pies. I freaking love apple pies. I would sell my first born into slavery for one of my mom's apple crisps. I swear to allah, i would totally do it.

I'd like to leave you with the following three videos:

1. "Run So Fast" Missy Higgins Live @ The Blind Pig 10.12.08: Chelsea took this video with my camera. Missy is so damn good and you won't find this song anywhere else yet...


2. Rachel Maddow (aka my gf): she rocks my world.


3. Julia Nunes: this girl tears some shit up on the ukulele. Check out her cover of "Survivor" by Destiny's Child: