Once upon a time, Katrina Gulligan and i filled out a myspace survey together. Today, we are going to do that once again. Unlike last time, we will also be writing the questions b/c all of the myspace surveys have been uber lame lately.
Who is someone that can always make you laugh? E: Kat K: Sarah Palin
What were you doing at 10am this morning? E: On 8 mile dropping off my paid for lady friend from last night....needless to say i was late for work. K: I was walking on sunshine!
What were you doing an hour ago? E: Picking up another hooker K: Eating mushroom soup.
Do you plan on moving within the next year? E: Yes. I plan on moving back to Zimbabwe, my homeland. K: Moving on up... to the east side.
Are you wearing anything on your feet? E: Stripper heels with the fish still in them... K: 3 pairs of socks because it's ccccold up here. Gay.
What are you looking forward to in the next 3 months? E: I'm looking uh forward to uh the uh um...winning the nobel prize um for uh white water rafting. K: I'm looking forward to the age of aquarius.
Do you remember your dreams? E:(Clearly not because she's taking forever to think of a single dream) Sometimes (I waited five minutes to type that answer) K: Yes.
Where did your last hug take place? E: Since my hug monitor (Kat) couldn't verify my last two hours in the hug log...i'm going to say Kat in an alley. K Actually it was in a foyer.
Have you been to a baby shower? E: I'm mexican what do you think?! K: No, and baby's raining would be all sorts of weird.
What cell phone company do you use? E: K:
What color is your hair brush? E: Glittery rainbow. K: Mauve
Do you watch the Super Bowl? E: Do a dogs lips move when he reads? K: Shit son. Not since dinosaurs roamed the earth.
What about World Cup? E: No. I don't believe in soccer. K: Yes, when that girl took off her shirt like 10 years ago.
Do you sleep with a teddy bear? E: Maybe....who's asking? K: No....only a mermaid.
What is the last movie you watched? E: Debbie Does Dallas K: Debbie Does Dallas Again.
What movie do you think everyone should watch? E: Debbie Does Dallas K: Debbie Does Dallas Again.
What is your middle name? E: Consuela K: Diane Neal
Do you have your future children's names picked out? E: But of course - ready? Ok: Malachi, Ezekiel, Jeremiah (like the bullfrog), Templeton, Gert and Huey. K: Gulliver, Xanga, Dotcom, and Thor.
What color is your mailbox? E: Gold?????????????????????????????????????????? K: Whatever color it wants to be that day
Do you have to drive over a bridge to get home? E: Only a bridge over troubled water unless the levee breaks. K: Some bridge to terabithia
How many cars can fit in your driveway? E: 13.43333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333 K:1975.32 (you can stack them)
Who was your Kindergarden teacher? E: My grandma, actually K: Miss Moaner
Are you taller than your mom? E: Only on tuesdays and thursdays (see stripper heels above) which is why i visit on saturdays K:No, but I'm taller than your mom. I talled your mom last night actually
Do you have any bruises right now? E: Yes...i was in a cage fight last night....but you should have seen the other guy....you can still see his dental records, but that's about it. K: I'm the other guy.
Are you cold right now? E: No, i'm sitting in an oven. I keep my room at Hansel and gretal temperature. It's roughly 140 degrees celsius right now. K: I'm sweating my proverbial balls off
Do any of your close friends have kids? E: Just your five kids K: No....i have a strict rule against procreation that I enforce with homosexuality
Do you know anyone who is pregnant right now? E: Well, me. K: Yeah 3 people! And i might be a god mother....oh geez
How many years older and younger than you are you willing to date? E: 53 Years give or take K: 2 months younger....50 years older
What brand are your favorite jeans you own? E: Osh Kosh B'gosh K: Gloria Vanderbilt
What is the closest red object to you? E: Mars K: A Panda
What is your favorite video game? E: Original Mario Brothers k: Oh geez. Mario Kart, Beetle Adventure Racing, Cool Boarders 3, Wave Race....SPYRO!!!!!!!!!!!!!, Goldeneye, Perfect Dark. Toy Story, Mario Part. Super Mario Brother 3
Do you play games on your cell phone? E: I don't play games. Period. K: You keep saying to quit playing games with your heart.
Do you look more like your mom or dad? E: I look like the milk man K:I look like i'm adopted
Have you ever broken a pinata? E: I'm mexican....I can't afford a pinata K: I merked that bad boy.
If someone doesnt like you its probably because: E: Because they're busy hating the player and not the game K: They're jealous of the perfect package just kidding.
Who was the last person in your bedroom? E: your girlfriend K: my girlfriend
Have you ever crawled through a window? E: Yeah!!! OMG I had to break into my house, two weeks ago....it wasn't until I tried to take the tv out of the house and the police were called that I realized it wasn't my house. it happens a lot.
Do you lose your keys often? E:No i keep them on a hook i had that i had implanted into my uh neck...but it's magnetic so even if i bend over it doesn't fall off K: I don't want to talk about it
When was your last encounter with the police? E: Undercover cop. drugs. prostitutes may or may not have been involved. K: It was when I got kicked out of canada....please.
Do you sing in the shower? E: YES! Showtunes! K: No.... I don't have a shower....or vocal cords for that matter.
Guess what? I may or may not have started, stalled and then abandoned 15,000 blog posts. Holler for ADD and indecision! I have no idea how to combine all of them and/or edit them so I’m just going to start from scratch and do a “this is crap I am basically in love with right now” post. I’d do a “year in review” post, but I don’t really wanna talk about 2008. We’re still in a fight.
1. Fourfour
I found his blog through Riese many moons ago and I love it. I had been a little sluggish about my online reading which had a lot to do with number nine on this list. Fourfour does recaps of America’s Next Top Model, a show I’ve watched a handful of times. His screencaps paired with commentary are so spot on and hilarious that I have read nearly all of them. And I’m fairly certain that show has been on since the Brady Bunch did their variety show. Funny. Very, very funny.
2. This article
It’s called “15 Favorite Most Ridiculous Women” aka “15 Women Gay Men Love”. As the daughter of a gay man I understand the sort of unspoken obsession/love one has for people like Madonna and Liza and Whitney and Kathy Lee. It’s on par with watching/singing along to ‘Hello Dolly’ and possibly doing the can-can in the living room and maybe also watching ‘p.s. I love you’ with a box of Kleenex and cookies.
Much like the aforementioned activities, appreciating divas for their general fabulousness is undoubtedly coupled with watching their train-wreck selves say stupid shit and throw compacts at Madonna a la Courtney Love. This article is the pies de resistance, the best of the best, the homecoming court of crazy, if you will.
3. Riese’s Blog
She’s basically my hero. Reading her blog feels like going home. And as a person who doesn’t really remember what that feels like in real life, I really appreciate the shit out of finding it with my eyes on the internets. She’s made me laugh and she’s blown me away. It’s better than CATS, which, ps, I hate. (see also, The Phantom of The Opera, Romeo and Juliet and a play I did at HFCC a million years ago called 24 Hours to Live?)
Right now, she has a blog up about her hilarious mothers and their Chanukah wish lists. I was fighting the urge to roll on the floor laughing my ass off when I read it yesterday. I’m telling you, she’s funny.
4. Gmail, Gmail Chat, etc.
I heart Gmail. It’s just fabulous. It has its quirks like any other free web mail provider (i.e. you cant sort your email into file folders) but mostly it’s just awesome. It’s fast and the junk mail filter is awesome and they offer Gmail Chat which is about a million times better than any other chat program. I don’t even wanna talk about Facebook chat. We’re in a fight too b/c it fucks up all the time and makes me wanna pull my hair out. But Gmail, they got it right. The chat rarely times out, does not putz regardless of your internet speed (which is a big deal in my house now) and if you turn on the sound the little chime is not even slightly annoying.
5. Pepperocini’s
One of my failed blog entries was filled with three pages of me waxing crazy on how much I love pepperocinis. I really do love them a lot. I brought a jar of them to our recording sessions in Algonac and Chelsea looked at me like I had opened a jar of monkey testicles and started putting them in my life. I swear to you, pepperocinis are delicious. Theyre spicy and pickled and delicious. Holler!
6. This incident:
11.04.08
I engaged in one of the strangest text message convos of all time with the contact labeled in my phone as “Jay (soho)”. The following has been edited to spare any permanent emotional scarring:
ME: get your ass out and vote! JAY: sure will! Who is this? ME: It’s Elida. JAY: ok cool. I’ll add you to my contacts. ME: cool. :)
Then I received a call from him the following morning, which I missed b/c I was taking a shower. I thought it was weird and then…
JAY: Call me.
I looked at my phone and thought, that’s weird. Jay never calls me. But it can’t be that important b/c he didn’t leave a voicemail. Then, he called me AGAIN. I was annoyed so I ignored it. Of course, he decided to text me again.
JAY: Call me. ME: Can’t. I’m at work. JAY: What, you don’t eat lunch?
I mean, really, who asks that? So I decided to be a smart ass.
ME: Nope. JAY: When do you get off work?
Then I thought, ok, what the fuck? Who is this guy and why is he pestering the shit out of me. There’s no way this is the Jay I know. Maybe Jay changed his number and I am somehow communicating with some random person. So, I decided to make shit up.
ME: I’m working late. I have a big project. I’m probs be burning the midnight oil. JAY: Where do you work?
Really, Papi? Really?
ME: Deloitte. (hi, Michelle!) JAY: When do you get off work? ME: Where do you work? JAY: When do you get off work? ME: Answer my question. JAY: What question? ME: omg, where do you work? JAY: Bridge Water.
Bridge Water? I googled it. Nothing came up.
Then several hours passed. He sent this:
JAY: So, I really want to figure out how I know you. ME: I really don’t see the point.
I mean, really? What’s the point? I could tell he was a dude cause most dudes usually are waaayyy more aggressive and forward, especially via text. And then, he sent this:
JAY: Well, I’m single and looking for my queen. Could that be you?
I literally LOL-ed so intensely that I spit all over my phone. Cheese-tastic!
ME: Sorry but im a gay lady. JAY: And?
Oh, gross. I HATE when straight guys think they are god’s gift to every woman on the planet. To those guys, the obnoxious ones like this guy, being gay means nothing to them. They don’t get it. They see a lesbian and they think: how can I get her to sleep with me and her lady friend at the same time? Newsflash to every straight guy everywhere: Lesbians do not want to have sex with you. If they wanted to, they’d be bi. So stop asking/alluding. Thanks. I digress…
ME: And I only date other gay ladies. JAY: What’s wrong? Can’t handle a real man cant add real meat instead of plastic?
What? The? FUCK?! I was all, “aww heeeelllll noooo!” I slammed my phone shut and tried not to puke. Gross. Gross. Gross. And how fucking forward. What was he thinking? Omg. Omg. Omg.
ME: gross. I just threw up in my mouth. JAY: hey, don’t you play guitar?
Dum. Dum. Dum.
I reeled back. What did he just ask me? How does this bastard know me?
ME: yeah. JAY: I know how I me you. It was at a concert. We talked about playing a show together w/both our bands. ME: hahaha. Wow. JAY: we should jam together.
Hahaha. No thanks, Jay. You are officially cut off and furthermore, you should not really be allowed to talk to people. You are a creep ass. I’m still a little confused as to why he insists on texting me almost daily, at least once to say, “hey sexy.” I mean, c’mon. It’s been WEEKS since his disgusting comments and I have yet to respond to anything.
And then he sent me a picture via text message. This was maybe three days ago. I open my phone and see that it’s from, sick ass Jay and I rolled my eyes. Picture message? I braced myself and opened the message.
Of course, it was a picture of an 8 person orgy and the message read: “if u were 2 walk past this wud u walk away or join in? pass this on and find out who ur freaky friendz r!!!”
Ew.
7. This Snow!!
A soon as I leave work in t-minus 15 minutes, I am heading home to bundle up and then I plan on rolling in the snow til dinner time. A sled may or may not be involved. I mean, have you looked outside today? It’s amazing!
8. The Dark Knight
I’ve been watching that movie on loop, Blockbuster video store style since I got my hands on it a few days ago. Love it. It’s so good and it gets better every time I watch it. You know what probably doesn’t get better every time you watch it? “p.s. I love you”. That was the saddest effing movie I have ever seen. I cried through almost the entire thing. I mean, Christ. I cannot remember the last time I laughed whilst crying so hard I was choking. Saddest movie ever.
Wanna know what movie wont make you cry? Um… The Dark Knight? Why? Because there’s no crying in baseball. Wait… That’s not right.
9. Backgammon
I have already accepted the fact that I am 80 years old on the inside. The sooner you do too, the better. I play backgammon every single day and I have no idea why. Well, I mean, clearly I’m in love with it, so that’s probably why. But, the game is really not that amazing. But my brain seems to think so. I sit down at my computer and I think to myself, “you know what I should do right now? Play backgammon.”
In case you’re wondering, absolutely no one will play the game with me, so I have to play the computer, which is fine cause shes an animated lady and shes kinda pretty. So, I mean, that’s fine. Val tried to play with me while she was home and then accused me of making up the rules, even though she hasn’t played since the early nineties when she was practically just hatched. For real, val, I would not hussle you at backgammon cause I love both of you so much.
Even after I pulled out the official rules she claimed that I made those up too, “yeah but you found those on the internet,” she said.
“I got these from, like, the official backgammon society or whatever. It’s legit.”
Shaking her head, “I don’t wanna play anymore. This game sucks. And you’re cheating.”
10. Life
I couldn’t think of anything to put for number ten besides my favorite on-ramp. And I would’ve included that, but it’s closed for construction right now, so… It doesn’t get to make any lists until it re-opens and starts bringing joy to my life again.
But, it’s totally all good cause I’m so high on life I barely noticed. Holler! And I know that might sound crazy, and it’s probably annoying to be around, but I am really happy to be alive and writing this and working and breathing and drinking this bottle of Aquafina. I’d like to close with one of my favorite movie quotes of all time:
it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday.
I've been feeling very quiet lately, which is probably why I haven't posted in a while. I'm not sad or super happy, I'm somewhere in the middle. I feel the sort of contentment you do when a lot has changed but you come out the other side of, yet another failed something or other, and you've survived, so it's ok.
I'm living with my dad(s) now officially. I'm all unpacked and I absolutely adore living there. It's really, really lovely. I like spending the time with my dad(s) and there isn't a lot of overhead lighting. I'm surrounded by beautiful things and there's always something on the stove or in the fryer.
I was walking through downtown Ferndale the other day and I felt really content. I love fall and I love this town and all of the people in it. I feel like I've taken some sort of happy pill/sedative combo. I have no idea what i want out of anything, from anyone or what i want to do with my life. And I'm really ok with that.
Right now, not knowing is the greatest feeling ever. I've known too much this year, carried so much weight on my shoulders that a break from that sort of responisibility/anxiety is so incredibly fabulous, I'm having a hard time expressing it w/o sounding incredibly cheesy/lame.
I thought about throwing my phone in the pond yesterday and not to be emo or dramatic; it just seemed like a good idea. But if there was an emergency id be fucked/out of the loop, so i didn't. But I really like this sort of disconnect I've felt these past few weeks.
It's even stranger b/c of the election and the state of our nation/the economy. There are so many things to freak out about. But I've done the best I can thus far and I will do my part again in november and there's not much i can change beyond that, so why get all worked up?
See, what I mean? It's creepy how calm I've been lately. Although, I should specify that by "calm", I mean I have basically avoided anything that would upset me.
For instance... any and all serious conversations are pretty much avoided completely whether they are via text, in person, over the phone (ps, i HATE talking on the phone to most anyone save for the people who live out of state who i never get to see) or email or whatever. I drop everything even slightly scary like a hot potato/bad habit/some other cliche and walk away. I just don't care.
I don't think I have the capacity to care for much right now. I'm a little tapped out in that department.
Lately, I identify a lot with this guy:
I've got sort of a hallow-tin-chest thing going on. It's really nice, though. Trust me. This is me being honest, not emo. I feel fantastic.
A lot of shit has gone down this year and I feel like I'm finally seeing a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. I feel like I'm doing a good bit of growing up too, which is pretty awesome.
I spend most of my nights at home working on music and watching my girlfriend on the teevee.
[Sidenote: I stage managed a production of The Wiz once. It was pretty awesome. When i went searching for a picture of The Tin Man, I thought back to the show I worked on at HFCC (ps: i think i learned more there than i did anywhere else even though i hated being there. they were underfunded and the director was a jack ass and everything smelled like a rotten appendage. but, dammit, i learned how to run a show and adopted a newfound aversion to sardines, almonds and shirts with holes in them. Anyway, here's a picture from that production.]
As of late, I have been fighting a bitch of a cold. I have officially annoyed the shit out of the few people I work with because of my incessant coughing. I have promised them on a number of occasions that I am doing everything in my power to fight the coughing. But still, the coughing continues. I'd stay home from work, but I'd rather be making money. And I've always had this rule, first put in place by my mother: "if you're not projectile vomiting, you're fine. go to work/school/wherevs". And she's right. I mean, personal obligations, like dinner plans or a movie or something, I've been cancelling those left and right cause I'm basically a walking sess pool of germs. But I will not skip out on work. I've never skipped out on work for a cold in my entire life.
Once, I had a tooth pulled on my lunch break, went back to work and finished out the day, gauze and all. Another time I lost my voice for three days in a row and I still went in every single day I was scheduled. I had my wisdom teeth pulled on a friday and by sunday i was still really swollen and miserable and the power was out in our house and most of our town and it was the dead of winter, but I still went to work because I was scheduled and we had generators to sell.
So, I definitely did not give even a moment's thought to not coming in to work. I don't care how annoying I am with my coughing. I want a normal paycheck, dammit. And since they won't put me on the health care plan yet, I feel like they deserve to listen to my cough.
One good thing about staying in and not getting sloshed on an all too regular basis is that I don't wake up feeling like shit anymore. Even with the cold, I feel better in the morning than I have in years. I know it's not rocket science, but some of us(mostly just me, probably) are a lot slower at learning some things.
I've become a little loopy and a lot goofier, I think. Exhibit A: band practice this past friday. I was swaying around a lot more than usual and doing a sort of interpretive dance to a couple songs. I think I probably acted a lot like I do when I'm drunk, just a lot quieter.
So, let's play catch-up on everything that you've missed since I last posted something here (a month and a half ago, ps)...
My dad's birthday was a hot mess. This photo really captures how ridiculous/fun that night was.
Then, less than a week later, I had my birthday. Jack Sparrow made me a hat. It was supposed to be a platypus.
Then, McMannus had her birthday. It started with hand made unicorn costumes...
and ended, like so many other nights at Soho do: on the 9 mile pony...
Roughly a week or so later (give or take, my memory is cloudy), I invented the bluetooth. You're welcome.
A few weeks after that, someone wrote this on the bathroom stall. And, ps, as of a few weeks ago, Soho started smelling absolutely awful. I mean, make you wanna vom, awful. It basically smelled like musty basement, wet, stale cigarettes, 3 day old caramelizing beer, and poopy shit.
The women's bathroom smelled like crotch rotch. And i apologize for using the term, but it is completely and totally accurate. I threw up in my mouth a little bit and i only had one drink. Trust me. It was bad.
I think it was because no one was cleaning the bathroom. There was a red shirt in the big handicapped stall that remained there for at least a week. I know, because i took pictures of it on my phone and sent it to Chelsea.
the nasty ass shirt:
the writing on the wall:
The other night at band practice, I caught Noel's cat Onyx drinking out of the toilet.
Thanks, to a one, Ms. Chelsea Fucking Carter, I have been listening to Adele somewhat obsessively. Now, before you start talking crazy, I am still madly in love with Missy Higgins and I've been playing "Secret" a lot lately (on the guitar. it's 3 notes, ps. ha!). But! I cannot get this song out of my head:
"Cold Shoulder" - Adele
And can we talk about how amazing Amy Poehler is at rapping?
I literally LOL-ed when I saw this the first time. Love, love, love it. I mean, she's soooo ready to pop and she's rapping with guys dressed up as Eskimos while shooting a different guy in a moose costume. I can't believe she's still on the show cause that kid is gonna come popping out in 2.5. Seriously. I feel like her water's gonna break in the middle of a show. And how funny is that kid gonna be? For anyone who doesn't already know, she's married to Will Arnett from Arrested Development (one of the greatest shows ever, ps) and Blades of Glory. They played husband and wife in the former and brother and sister in the latter. Both were hysterical.
Remember when "that's what she said" entered popular culture? Yeah, I do. It was funny, maybe the first 100 times I heard it and then a good friend of mine (for the sake of anonymity, we'll call him "Joe") picked it up and decided to run with it. I am not exaggerating when I say that, for the better part of a year, he could be counted on to say it after every single slight innuendo that would come up in conversation.
When he started saying it before anyone spoke, we knew it was probably time to cut him off.
Now, it's been quite some time since I've heard anyone throw the phrase around, but I made the mistake of talking about how much I hate it the other day while emailing Dave and Jen. This is what transpired after:
JEN's FRIEND: I had some fries today, for shame. I didn't eat too many, though, b/c they were thick and I like skinny, crispy ones. JEN: Where did you go? JEN'S FRIEND: Campus. JEN: Jealous. I like the big thick ones.
JEN'S RESPONSE (to her own comment): That's what she said.
And then I heard from Dave...
JEN: Elida hates when people end things with "that's what she said". We have to be sure to start doing it around her a lot. DAVE: That's what she said.
I can honestly say that I literally LOLed at their emails. Oh, btw, I think they stand a good chance at posing as the couples inside picture frames. Exhibit A:
I <3 Dave and Jen!
So, it's fall and the leaves are turning colors and I want to go for a walk or go to a cider mill or something. Oh! And i wanna bake apple pies. I freaking love apple pies. I would sell my first born into slavery for one of my mom's apple crisps. I swear to allah, i would totally do it.
I'd like to leave you with the following three videos:
1. "Run So Fast" Missy Higgins Live @ The Blind Pig 10.12.08: Chelsea took this video with my camera. Missy is so damn good and you won't find this song anywhere else yet...
2. Rachel Maddow (aka my gf): she rocks my world.
3. Julia Nunes: this girl tears some shit up on the ukulele. Check out her cover of "Survivor" by Destiny's Child:
If you get angry/mean/antagonistic when you're drunk and the only person every laughing is you, please do not drink around me. Ever.
For some reason, the mean drunks like to pick on me and it's really annoying. Last night, for instance...
After dealing with a very emotional phone call from a certain friend I made my way to Soho to join my father in his pre-birthday celebration. P-freaking-S everybody!!! My dad's birthday is today. Happy Birthday dad!!
So we were up at Soho last night and i felt like it was Dean 2.0 or something. some guy my dad sort of knows through Angela started harassing me like crazy. i sat down and within two seconds he started up:
HIM: i feel like I've met you before, but i don't remember your name. ME: Yeah i dunno. I'm not great with names either. It's all good. HIM: well we're meeting again now, so, this time make yourself memorable. ME: [pause] um, ok. [sarcastically] ready? go!
Now, before i continue, let me give you a little preface of sorts. The words that left this guy's mouth were almost entirely saturated in a condescending tone. Every word sort of oozed from his lips and his body language said that we were lucky to drink in every word.
However, i respectfully disagree. It's the same story I've told maybe a thousand times, just with different players. Man #1 is "normally" a nice guy, until he gets drunk and/or high and then he's an asshole. To me, this excuse is tired and annoying. If you turn into a monster when you get drunk, don't get drunk. It's obnoxious and then people stop returning your phone calls and turning their backs on you in public places.
Yeah, I've stop talking to people like that. It happens.
Meanwhile, back at Soho...
HIM: So, what are you going to school for? ME: computer science. HIM: yeah, but i mean, like for what? ME: i work in IT, so I'm finishing up my bachelors so i can make more money and have a little more job security. HIM: yeah but what's your specialty? ME: networking. HIM: what kind? ME: network management. HIM: meaning? ME: you know, i don't really like talking about work.
Remember the tone!!! It's all about the damn tone.
Later on, we were standing at the bar asking for another drink...
HIM: how long does it take you to do your hair? --time the hell out! does this sound familiar to anyone but me?-- ME: (!!!!!!) ha. um, i dunno, a few minutes. HIM: you're lying. ME: Ok. HIM: seriously, how long does it take you? ME: a few minutes. HIM: you're lying. ME: whatever. HIM: you have very small ears. ME: ok. HIM: do you like having small ears? ME: im fine with it. HIM: really? ME: yes. HIM: but they're so small. ME: so what? i don't care. (this is where i start biting my nails b/c I'm annoyed) HIM: don't bite your nails. ME: listen, don't tell me what to f**kin do. HIM: oh, god. you and those small ears.
later on, at the table...
...and in between him starting to make a comment and my dad telling him very sternly, "watch it.":
HIM: [to me, from across two tables] your ears are so small. PAPA BEAR: so f**kin what? I said, 'watch it'. quit talking about her damn ears. HIM: [ignoring him, adressing me still] I've never seen someone with ears so small. ME: Ok. HIM: what's wrong? you seem upset. ME: I'm not upset. i don't know what you're trying to do, if you're trying to get a rise out of me or something, but you're barking up the wrong tree. i don't give a damn what you think about my ears or my hair or my name or whatever.
I was smiling the whole time he was trying to get a rise out of me. It was bizarre. My dad asked me later why i didn't talk about his hair, b/c it was disgusting. I just told him i really didn't want to give him an excuse to drag out another stupid conversation.
I'm only sharing it now as a sort of public service/case study. This is Exhibit 842: another drunk asshole bugs the shit out of me on the patio.
It's weird how certain men will sit down with us, get wasted and then start picking on me. I feel like maybe they're projecting or something. As far as I'm concerned, if your friends have to walk out after you, turning back and saying, "i swear, he's normally a nice guy", you should probably stop drinking.
I know this was short, but I wanted to post it quick so it won't get lost in the post i will be doing tomorrow or the day after. It's gonna be chock full of whatever happens tonight.
I'd like to leave you with this:
This is me and Val sword fighting with bread sticks. I think it was two Christmases ago. Miss you Val!!
I had the best weekend ever! (last weekend of course. Sorry for the delay in posting)
But before I get to that I would like to share something with you.
I am a voicemail pack rat. It's hard not to be when you have friends like Kat and Chelsea and Eric that leave you ridiculous voicemails that you can't bear to part with. The trouble is, I save so many of them that my mailbox fills up, like a lot. All the time. My actually mailbox is kind of like that too. But only because I hate opening mail.
When I was little I used to love getting mail. I'd get Highlights or something and I was like, "OMG I JUST MAIL!!" Imagine how excited I was when AOL first came out. You know, "You've got mail." Holla!
Anyway I hate mail now. It makes giant piles and I dread digging through all of it. But voicemails I save cause they're too funny not to.
So, my voicemail inbox has been full for...we're probably going on a few days now. I went through the three new ones and erased them. I didn't have room for much else, apparently. And because of that fact, I decided to do a little house/phone/voicemail cleaning. End of summer closeout, if you will.
Among all sorts of good stuff that I could not part with was one from Eric that I must've received when I was drunk. I have no recollection of hearing it a single time before today. He must've been drunk when he left the voicemail. And I quote:
Hello Elida Harris. I thought I would call and Harris you. And by Harris, I mean harass And by her ass, I mean her booty And by her booty, I mean her badunk-a-dunk And by her badunk-a-dunk, I mean something to put your mug on And by something to put your mug on, I mean coffee table And by coffee table, I mean mahogany wood And by mahogany wood, I mean ancient forests And by ancient forests, I mean Sasquatch territory And by Sasquatch territory, I mean some very dirty lesbians And some very dirty lesbians, I mean some very fun times And that is all I have to say. Good night.
I love Eric a lot.
Let's start at the very beginning/a very good place to start...
Friday was our show in Chesterfield. That place was nothing short of amazing. Let the record show that NY/NY was a spectacular venue. I must admit I was a little skeptical due to the location (the middle of nowhere) and the fact that it was in a strip mall (and basically looked like a Halloween USA from the outside).
Sweet Jesus, once we were inside our jaws hit the floor. Look at the stage we played on:
NY/NY is easily the best venue we've played yet. They served food and alcohol and the smoke eaters made it so the whole place felt like a non-smoking section regardless of your proximity to an actual lit cigarette.
The lights were intense. I had, without exaggeration, 100 different ADD moments while up there. Which reminds me, Emily said something to me the other night that was so dead on I felt like she could read minds. She said, "what do you think about when you're onstage? Cause it looks like you're thinking about a million other things that are completely unrelated."
She's right. My mind wanders. I try super hard not to let it, but with the lights and shiny things all over the places we play, it's hard not to.
Regardless of the distractions, the show was great. The crowd was great. I was on cloud nine. And! They had the most delicious spinach and artichoke dip. Ever. It was damn good I wanted to marry it. But not really, cause, you know, gays can't marry.
POP!
Saturday was interesting. I think it was the longest we have ever been in a venue before we've actually gone on for our set. Total time spent between arrival and actual performance: almost 5 hours.
Once we got onstage it was totally worth the wait. The audience made up of mostly theatre kids got really into it. There was clapping, swaying, dancing, fake moshing and Chelsea ended up with underwear on her head. One of the guys threw them onstage.
The stage:
The crowd:
We even got called back for an encore, which has never happened before. AND we got asked to sign autographs. We received the request from an older gentleman that was inexplicably in attendance. I don't think he knew anyone involved in the play or the film. We had certainly never seen him before. During our set he was jumping around in his chair, (sort of) keeping time, slapping his knee over and over.
While we were packing up, he approached Chelsea and then we all took turns signing. Here's me signing my fake name:
PS: A special thank you to Kyle for always taking pictures of us, for coming to all of our shows and for being awesome in general.
Anyway, so we all signed our autographs on the back of the program and he took a flyer with our band contact info on it. Today, I was checking our band email and found this little gem:
Subject: Curious & Interested ;~
Hello Elida Quesada.
This is Eugene, you signed an autograph for. I am curious if you meant what you wrote me, when you sign your autograph. Just to jog your memory a little, you wrote: I <3 Eugene. Would you be interested, also? You may reply to: takemydog0123@yahoo.com This is my address. Hope to hear from you. Tell Chelsea, Noel & Kelly I said hi.
Take care! May God bless all of you! Eugene
[sindenote: It goes without saying that I changed his name and only slightly altered his email address b/c I thought it was so funny.]
This, I am hoping, is the beginning of something even more spectacular than I had envisioned when the ladies and I started playing together. You see, "Eugene" was an older guy. If I had to guess, I would say that he's in his early 70's. What little left he has of his snow white hair was swept over his scalp in a comb over. Total hottie.
Now, I want to make it clear that I really do <3 Eugene. His enthusiasm during our show made me really happy. But I am a gay lady and I am not interested in, say, going to dinner with him. I do sincerely hope that more people will ask for my autograph and then ask me out via email. Especially old dudes. Bring 'em on!
hello pot, this is the kettle...
I forgot to mention this story before. Not sure why, but it just popped into my head so I am going to share it with you now.
A few weeks ago I was up at Soho w/the usual suspects. We were sitting out on the front patio telling stories and joke and enjoying what little there is left of summer. At one point I told a joke and my dad started cracking up. He sat back in his chair, head up, laughing his ass off.
At that same moment this crazy bastard came walking out of the bar. Everyone calls him Groucho, because he has big, thick, cartoonish eyebrows tattooed to his forehead. He's rail thin, average height with a clean shaven head that is covered in tattoos that look like hair. I am almost positive that he does not have Alopecia because he has hairy legs.
He wears skin tight sleeveless tshirts and even tighter spandex biking shorts. The shorts make him, in essence, a walking anatomy lesson. He has been known to get a little crazy, yelling at total strangers and launching into stories about getting kicked out of Como's for dressing "inappropriately". Frankly, I'm surprised they would kick anyone out of Como's.
I digress.
So, just as my dad was throwing his head back in laughter, Groucho walks out the front door, through the patio and onto the sidewalk. He stopped at my father and leaned in saying very clearing, "Eat shit and die you fuckin' Nazi."
Groucho started walking away and my turned to him with a flabbergasted look on his face, mouth open hands in the air as if to say, "what the hell are you talking about".
Apparently Groucho is a mind reader, paused, turned around and said, "oh, like I don't know."
My dad's eyebrows narrowed, "Fuck you."
Groucho smiled placing his hand over his heart, "oh yeah, I'm real hurt," and continued walking away.
We all sort of looked at each other, like "what the hell?"
Darryl chimed, "that man is crazy."
Fast forward to two weeks ago
Darryl, Steve and I were sitting at the exact same table out front having a few drinks, shooting the shit. Groucho appeared again, as if from nowhere (like always) and walked up to our table. I guess he was kicked out of Como's again for being dressed like he always dresses. You know, the anatomy lesson costume... None of us really had anything to say.
Steve is such a nice guy that will sometimes entertain the craziest of crazies, including Groucho. Steve conversed with him, not sure of what to say, other than "hmm." I was trying not to laugh so I grabbed my phone out and started texting.
Steve and Groucho's convo went like this:
GROUCHO: So, I walked into Como's and that skeletor bitch owner stopped me just inside the entrance. She told me I was dressed inappropriately, that I could only come in if I changed my clothes. STEVE: Hmm... GROUCHO: So, I says, "fuck you. your food sucks anyway." And i came back here cause there's nothing else to do in this shit hole town. STEVE: [nervous laughter] Yeah, i don't know what to tell you. That sucks? GROUCHO: Well, fuck them. I'm debating whether or not I want a drink. DARRYL: [muttering under his breath] Go for it, honey. But you can't sit with us. GROUCHO: What's that? DARRYL: [sharply] I said, go for it honey. GROUCHO: Oh, really? Darryl, you are such a bitch. DARRYL: [wide smile] Thank you. Thank you. GROUCHO: Oh, fuck off, Darryl.
Groucho started walking away and just as he was about to go out of ear shot Darryl shouted, not looking up from his Real Detroit, "CUUUUHHHHHRRRAAAAAAAZZZZZZYYYYYYYY!"
We wanted to kill Darryl and also thank him, because I am very sure now that Groucho and his gross ass pants and crazy Nazi accusations will stay the hell away from us.
i take a whiskey drink. I take a vodka drink...
Sunday night was a fabulous way to put a bookend on the weekend. It was one of those nights when we've only intended to stay for one drink and then all of a sudden "the bar is closing in 20 min".
It was a nice little motley crew: my dads, Jen, Dave, Darryl and Jeremy was kind of in an out. It's hard to recount the night without doing so in a sporadic manner.
Dean ended up sitting with us for one reason or another. To put it simply: I cannot fucking stand Dean. I wouldn't say I hate him, but he's awfully close. My dislike for Dean has been long running. It began just over a year ago. I had just chopped all my hair off and he was super toasty drunk.
Dean is a mean drunk. I was sitting at the bar with my dad and a few others and Dean started talking to me. I had never met the man before. He sort of skipped right past any formal introduction and asked me what kind of product I used in my hair. I told him and he rolled his eye, "you don't know what you're doing."
He leaned forward in his chair, stretched his arm out and ran his hand through my hair. His fingers got caught a little and he sort of yanked them out. I had a shit ton of hair spray in my hair, because it's thick and wavy and I have to force it to be anything but. He totally jacked my hair up and I wanted to kill him immediately.
"See, I should be able to run my fingers through your hair. You're using too much product and the cut looks like shit." He took a long drag from his cigarette and sat back.
I was instantly fuming, "Okay, listen. What's your name again? Don't fucking touch my hair. Ever. I will chop your fucking arm off. That was rude and you're an asshole. Fuck off."
Dean is the kind of guy who will sit at your table uninvited and do whip-its mid-sentence or excuse himself to do poppers in the bathroom. All the while he is usually already blindingly drunk. And he's mean when he's drunk. I always want to punch him when I see him and notice that he is intoxicated. One of these days I'm going to and he won't be ready for it.
One time he was doing whip-its in front of everyone while lecturing us about the dangers of smoking. He had quit maybe two months ago and thus became an expert on the subject. If he would've taken his own advice, he wouldn't have started back up again maybe a week later.
This past Sunday, he ended up at our table nearing his angry drunk state, smoking and rambling on about his extensive knowledge of nappy hair.
Let me back up again really quick. Dean's hair is disgusting. He's a hair dresser who looks like he has not washed his hair since bell bottoms first hit the scene. It's really, really gross. It hasn't been cut in months and it's the color of straw. That's why I get so mad when he gives hair advice cause he looks like such a piece of shit.
Anyway, for one reason or another he started talking about Darryl's hair and how it was nappy and he was all of a sudden an expert again, even though he's never cut African American hair. I wanted to pour his drink on him. He kept saying "nappy" and it enraged me something fierce.
I said, "Dean, what the hell are you talking about? You don't know shit about 'nappy hair'. In fact, you don't know shit about most things, but you insist on running your mouth. No one gives a damn, Dean."
He brushed me off, "you're young and stupid. You don't know shit from shit."
"Aw, thanks, Dean. I hate you."
"Can I bum a clove?"
"You've got to be kidding."
"C'mon. Just one."
"You're out of your mind. Fuck off."
He started laughing. Then Loud Paul came outside. I also like to call him Seattle, mostly because the only thing he could really think to say was, "FUCK SEATTLE, man."
He sounded like a California stoner, but looked like a jack Russell terrier in human form. He was short and stocky and looked like he liked to bang his head on things, which probably explains his limited vocabulary.
Dean invited him to sit down, of course. And then Loud Paul started "talking". I put "talking" in quotes because it was more like yelling. Everything he said was in big bold capital letters followed by an excessive amount of exclamation points.
FUCK SEATTLE!!!!
Jen was drunk for the first time ever I think. It's not that she's never been drunk in her whole life, that night just happened to be the first time I'd seen her that way. And it was more amazing than I could have ever dreamed.
You see, that was the night that she discovered Cosmopolitans. After taking her first sip she said, "it tastes like Kool-Aid." And that's pretty much where it all started.
It didn't take much for her to get tipsy. She kept flipping straws out of her glass, trying to find them with her mouth. The ground was littered with them by night's end. Her Kool-Aid also inspired her to come up with some great one liners.
It's kind of hard to describe Jen without sounding too simple. She's absolutely lovely. She's a very petite Canadian with brown hair that's always pulled back perfectly, her bangs sort of sweeping across half of her forehead. She's very smart and that night in particular, she was very annoyed by what she feels is a misconception about her. People say she's reserved. I'd have to disagree. She can seem quiet if you don't know her, but not in an uncomfortable, "what's going on? i'm out of my element? omg someone just made eye contact!" kind of way. She's just smart, one of the few people I know who don't speak unless they really have something to say.
Here's a picture of Jen (middle, dark hair), Dave is standing to her right w/the glasses. Oh, and that's Rich. Also fabulous, of Chuck & Rich. Behind them: Becky and English.
Anyway, Sunday evening, the filter was removed and she offered these gems:
When my dad's neighbor asked him if he like Cosmo's and poured half of his drink into my dad's glass, Jen said, "do you like to wear Cosmo's?"
Earlier in the night, Jen was hungry. She did the girl thing, where she mentioned that she was hungry a couple times, prompting her husband Dave to walk down and get her a sandwich. Dave was either unaware or ignoring her. Either way, she started getting grouchy. My dad threw his arms up and went down the street to get a sandwich for her. Since she's a vegan we yelled after him, "EXTRA CHEESE!!"
Darryl got up and followed because he wanted a hot chocolate and Dave got up and followed after to make sure cheese wouldn't be put on the veggie wrap.
Oh, here's a picture of (L-R) Darryl and Tony! [<3] and Dave!
Later on that night we brought it up again and my dad said, "i don't know why you wouldn't just go get her a damn sandwich."
Jen piped in mid-sip, "yeah. why didn't you just go get me a sandwich, asshole?"
FYI: she was totally kidding. But she delivered the line dead pan, so it was brilliant. She was quick to follow it with, "oh my god, I'm kidding, honey. i love you. thank you for the sandwich. it was delicious."
Jeremy was in an out of the bar singing Karaoke. He put on quite a show for us. He did his usual Cher that Jen sang along to with vigor, her fist in the air like a soap opera character.
At one point, Jeremy grabbed a hold of the door frame and pumped his knee up and down to the tempo of the chorus. I would kill to know the name of that song right now. The point is, it was hysterical. Oh, and btw, Jeremy does the best Cher. I mean, he's no Sean Hayes. But who really is?
So, let me get back on track. You have to picture all of this happening at once: my dads and I with our belly laughs and Jeremy singing and jumping around and Dave laughing in a pitch so high only dogs could hear him and Jen's spitting straws and her fist's in the air and Dean is sloshy and bitchy and then Loud Paul walked out and ruined everything.
I mean, we still had fun I guess. But the fun changed. It became us, versus him and his obnoxious decibel level. My dad started it and everyone followed suit. We all started talking as loud as we possibly could and then Loud Paul would pause and realize that someone was actually louder than him. He would lean back and go, "...right on."
And then he started talking about his penis...
Now, I know what you're thinking, but that's not the angle he was going for. Instead of the chest pounding alpha male declaration of enormity, he started telling us about how small his penis is. Never in my life have I witnessed such a thing.
"MY PENIS IS SO SMALL!! I MEAN, IT IS LIKE, REALLY SMALL!!! MY PENIS IS REALLY SMALL! IT'S FUCKING TINY!! NOBODY WANTS A SMALL PENIS, BUT I HAVE ONE!! YOU CAN'T DO SHIT WITH A SMALL PENIS!!"
Loud Paul was sitting right next to me, so I got the brunt of his yelling. I turned to him roughly every two minutes and said, "dude my ears are seriously this close to bleeding."
He would apologize, but it would be a matter of seconds before he was at it again. Eventually Darryl got so pissed that his mama bear came out.
"Oh no, honey. Miss Elida is not gonna sit here and listen to you yell about your small penis. She's a lady."
So, they kicked him out. And we laughed all the way home cause Jen was still drunk.
There's something really fun about seeing someone who many people would consider reserved, really let her hair down for a night. It was fantastic, and since they are still on vacation until Tuesday, I'm sure there will be more to come.
One last thing...
My cousin jen sent me this. It's a picture of her son and we totally have matching hair. :)
...it has been a while. Too long. Instead of writing about my big bag of crazy (that's full of tons of things best saved for a drunken ramble) I am going to write about random crap.
I love starting blogs when I have less than an hour left of work. For some reason, that's when my brain wakes up after spending the great majority of the day in cruise control. Anyway...
I figured I would compile a list of people/places/things I'm interested in right now. Basically, it will be a list of nouns w/verbs and modifiers thrown in to spice things up. Oh, and probably some articles too. OH! And this is going to be a two-parter. The first part is random crap and the second half is a list of suggestions for the AfterEllen Hot 100.
(omg i'm lame) Moving on...
The Olympics
I feel like I probably get more and more excited every single time I watch them. Sunday, JP came over and we watched gymnastics and it was awesome. Right at the point when we were getting ready to make our peace w/not seeing the rest of the event because our eyes were getting heavy, the NBC desk guy gave us some helpful tips. Basically, he was addressing the shitty time difference. And when I say shitty, I mean shitty for us, even worse for L.A.. Those of us who want to watch the games end up staying up way too late cause it's lunch time in Beijing. In no way do I express the same sentiment as some random dude they interviewed on the street who said, "Man, the time difference really sucks. China should've done something about that."
It's moments like these when I stop wondering why half of the world hates us.
Anyway, I think the news guy's name is Bob something-or-other and he read his list of things you can/should do to endure the huge time difference/sleep deprivation/etc. that included the following:
"Listen to whatever Michael Phelps does on his iPod." "You really only need four hours of sleep, really."
...and
"Don't go to work, the Olympics are more important. Your boss will understand."
Awesome.
I read this yesterday:
It's a quote from a mother of a transgendered boy commenting on a show that ABC aired about a month ago called "Understanding Transgendered Children". The show was amazing. I totally teared up more than once. It was so good they aired it twice. Here's part one of five. I think it's worth checking out.
Anyway, here's a comment response from a woman who watched the program. I found it on one of the forums and I thought it was beautiful:
I have a daughter (born a girl) who identifies as a boy, and though "he" has chosen to have his breasts reconfigured as a male, he insists he feels no need to go through the entire gender reassignment because he believes that there is "everything inbetween" - that we are not necessarily ordained to be either a boy OR a girl! If you can be born as a boy or a girl, "in the wrong body", then's what's to say the same mix up isn't responsible for giving you just some of the genes of each. He feels completely comfortable being "twixt and between", totally adrogynous. When he was a child, he was a tomboy, for sure, always competing hard with his twin brother, and told us he was seriously interested in girls during the highschool years. In undergraduate school, I just about got used to his being a lesbian, when the trans-gender thing was sprung upon me! Sure, it caused some recoil, but I love that child so completely that NOTHING would stand between me and trying to understand. I'm not sure I'm all the way there, but consider myself completely educated in the matter, at this point, and MORE to the point - totally accepting of him just as he is. Happiness IS everything, and watching this amazing PERSON evolve, despite it all, into a productive and high achiever, has made me the happiest parent on earth!
you guys! the first 48 was so good the other night!
Tangent: This morning, my therapist asked me if I had any addictions and I swear to god the first two things that popped into my head were: cereal and the first 48. I almost shouted them out all excited. I am very special.
It was sort of true though. I effing love cereal. Ask anyone who's shared a living space with me (mom, dad, pat, sisters, eric, jessy...) I love cereal. Here's a list of my favorites:
Corn Flakes Rice Krispies Special K (haha, cause i'm special) Cheerios Crispix
God, I love cereal. And you know what's even weirder than my obsession? I don't even like milk. I buy the most watered down kind i can find and only use it for bowls of cereal, never for just a glass or whatever. Also weird: i eat my cereal backwards.
STEP ONE: pour milk into bowl
STEP TWO: pour some cereal in, just enough so you can't really see the milk, letting all the flakes sort of float at the surface.
STEP THREE: eat cereal w/as little milk as possible til gone. DO NOT DRINK THE MILK THAT IS LEFT OVER.
STEP FOUR: Repeat steps two and three until there's less than a spoonful of milk at the bottom.
STEP FIVE: rinse out and leave in sink
Everyone says I eat my cereal backwards, but I say eff you kind sir. I eat it the awesome soggy-free way. Holla!
Back to my show...
My favorite detective is Caroline Mason from the Memphis PD. She's such a bad ass. She gets cold blooded killers to cry. It's awesome. She'll look them right in the eyes and say stuff like, "I'm not playin witchoo. What would yo mamma think of ya'll bein up in here? You know what she'd say? She'd say, tell the truth son. Cause the truth will set you free. And Jesus is watchin too. [long dramatic pause] I know you'll do the right thing."
And then they totally break down and cry and beg Jesus and their Mama to forgive them and she'll hold their hand while they confess to killing some old dude for crack. Then she'll stand and say that she's proud of them for confessing. Once the door closes behind her, she brushes her shoulders off (figuratively, of course) and smiles, "We got another one."
OMG she's amazing. OH! And I found this little video tribute to her. I promise I didn't make it myself.
confession time
Ok guys, I have to let you in on a little secret that I'm fairly certain I have not been entirely vocal about yet. I have a minor obsession with The Gilmore Girls.
Let it sink in for a sec.
It all started a couple months ago when I was "forced" to watch a couple episodes as part of an agreement btwn Rori and I. I sighed heavily, "fine. but then we get to watch another crime show."
I seriously did not expect to like the show. I used to make fun of it constantly. I'd roll my eyes at the mere mention of the show. I mean, Christ, they talk so fast and they play it on ABC Family or something and probably Lifetime too. I should not enjoy this show.
But I do. I really, really do. They make references to all sorts of crap I like, a lot of which are obscure old movie references. In one episode Loreli cannot wrap her head around the thought of someone still living on w/out having seen Casablanca. I mean, she's totally right. It's a classic and I love it. Did it bother me that she kept mispronouncing it? Yes, a lot.
The show has gotten a little crazy. So far, I've made it half way through season five. I wasn't kidding guys, I love this show. Rory is a total tramp and I want to kill Taylor by making him choke on his stupid hat. Loreli is hot. Always. In every single episode I think to myself: damn. she is very attractive.
Sidenote: I call Rori, "Rori" b/c she used to talk super fast. Little did I know I'd been spelling it wrong all this time. But we left it b/c we'd gotten used to it.
Elida's HOT 100 suggestions for AfterEllen.com
So, AfterEllen.com spawned from AfterElton.com. Basically it's a site where you can get all the lesbian news you could ever want. It's awesome and usually funny and I love it. Every year they do a HOT 100 list because the men's magazines suck at picking hot women. Sorry, let me elaborate...straight men tend to pick differently than women do. They usually pick under-fed russian and asian girls they found online searching for free porn.
The AfterEllen list is slightly different. Since gay ladies contribute, age is not an issue, and it's usually more important for the women on the list to have brains, unlike the other list. Do you get what I'm trying to say? Anyway...
Here are my suggestions in no particular order:
Lauren Graham
Never had a clue who she was before the Gilmore Girls. Thank you Gilmore Girls.
Mariska Hargitay
Seriously guys, she's the shit. She's a total bad ass and SVU is my fav.
Rachel Weisz
She is a perennial favorite. After I saw her on the cover of Esquire I knew for sure I was gay. I had a pretty strong inkling, but that sort of put me over the edge. And for that Rachel, I say thank you. This is the picture I saw on that fateful newsstand:
Sarah Shahi
The L Word is basically unwatchable w/out her. I mean, Alice is the shit and all. But stupid Shane left Carmen at the altar and then they killed off Dana. Stupid Ilene Chaiken. I miss Sarah Shahi. Like, a lot.
Kate Beckinsale
OMG I totally almost drank Diet Coke just because she was selling it. And how hot is her accent? I know, totally. It's super hot.
Salma Hayek
She is quite possibly one of the most genetically perfect women walking the planet. And that accent... Wow. She's something.
Clearly, I have a thing for middle aged women and I had no idea. Hooray! Anyway, they're hot and smart and I'm gonna jet now. Check back soon, this weekend is primed for a schmorgasbord of random crap.
Hello. Hi. Sometimes I make jokes/make fun of people, places and/or things. You might think I'm being mean, or maybe you'll even think I'm mildly funny. At the very least, please know that I am only kidding and I don't mean any real harm to anyone. Thanks.
