the future freaks me out.

This blog is going to be a two parter. But both parts will come at once. Does that make sense? Oh well.

PART ONE: 2007 [the amendment]

It has been brought to my attention that I may or may not have left some important people and places in my last entry. You know the one about 2007 sucking?

Although some things sucked pretty hardcore this year, there were some really great things. In no particular order:

Kat and I grew exponentially closer and a beautiful friendship has blossomed. She's moving in a matter of days and that makes me all sorts of sad. But, you know, c'est la vie and all that jazz. We've had a spectacular year together. She's one of my favorite photo companions who taught me the true importance of keeping your verb fresh. Observe.




That was a good night. We ran around my building at maybe 2am doing a photo opp. We more or less forced Jessy to take pictures of us. She was tired and wanted to kill us every time we asked for another shot. But the end results are worth it I think.




Jarvis was there too. We had a blast. So, yeah, that was a good time. Thank you Kat, Jarvis, Jessy, sweet ass old apartment building.




I also forgot to mention in the last post about how my life changed on September 14th. That's the day I met JP. The clouds parted and the sunlight came bursting through, etc. etc.

Seriously though, we clicked immediately and have become fast [best] friends. You may or may not have noticed the other times I've mentioned her as being "awesome".

I am so very grateful for all of the amazing friends I have in my life. I am a very lucky girl.

P.S. JP is amazing!




I could really go on and on about how amazing my friends are, but I'd really like to break it up into maybe different segments over the course of different posts. I don't know, I'm just thinking out loud.

P.S. I have an amazing family too. I just wanna mention that. I will most def try and elaborate on that sometime soon as well. Maybe I'll make a collage of all the people who have changed my life for the better. If you know me at all you know I am full of empty promises, so don't hold your breath or anything. Just know that if you are reading this you are probably loved very much by yours truly and I thank you kindly for your time and patience and for being in my life.

Phew.

What I really wanna do is get to the next part, because it's so fun.

WAIT! One more thing. This is still one of my favorite things. Also, I am very aware of the fact that I over use that phrase. That also includes the following: Holla!, [fill in the blank, usually food] is changing my life right now, are you serious?, cunt bag, douchetard, i know, right?...etc.

Anyway, this is great. You've probs already seen it before though.



PART TWO: Since we're coming up on 2008 here, why the hell can't I take a jet pack to work?

Remember The Jetsons?



That show was awesome. After a little research I discovered that the show was supposed to take place in a few different time periods. It has a lot to do with the fact that the creators and producers were a little sketchy on details, even back in the 60's. Regardless, one of the time periods places The Jetsons in the present.

Clearly, our lives are nothing like that show. Sometimes, I wish they were. There are times, almost daily, when I wish I could just push a button and my breakfast would appear, or that I could brush my teeth and comb my hair at the same time without using either of my hands. That would be awesome.

Here are some things we assumed we'd have by now, but will most definfitely not have in 2008:

JET PACKS




Did you ever see The Rocketeer? Well I did. That movie was the shit.




I haven't seen the movie in a really long time, but I remember it being awesome. And my memory is always 100% accurate, so, I mean...obvs. Yes. It is/was awesome.



Since I began this entry which was literally days and days ago, I have wanted to watch that movie. But I can't find it anywhere! And when I say that, I actually mean that I have not even made an attempt. I'm just assuming that I won't find it since the movie was made in 1991 and Karma and I have a sort of love/hate relationship going at all times. So, you know, I'm just gonna assume that it will be impossible to find.

But for real, how amazing would it be to have a jet pack? I mean, asside for the up front risks of using it improperly or losing control and then crashing and maybe even dying. So, there's always that. But really, how hard could a jet pack be? Although now that I'm putting somewhat serious thought into this, I'd probs be terrified and it would just collect dust in my apt, which wouldn't be hard because I have hard wood floors.

But, in all seriousness, getting picked up, as in, hoisted into the air by another person is by far, one of my least favorite things. Ever. I hate it. I am always terrified that the person will drop me. Jarvis has threatened to pick me up on numerous occasions and I immediately grew terrified. He settled for chasing me around my apt building one time. Which, btw, is another one of my least favorite things. I hate being chased. It is terrifying and creepy and I really, really hate it.

Anyway, I imagine jet packs to feel much like being picked up, only, you know, faster and what not. So, maybe I wouldn't like it so much. But think of all the time I would save, how much more time I could devote to wasting time. It would be awesome. And that's why I'm pissed that we don't have those.

You know what else I wish we had?

HOVER BOARDS




Remember Back To The Future? Me too. That movie was also pretty fantastic. Hover Boards were like skateboards with no wheels. If you don't remember, go check it out. And by "it", I mean the movie. Actually, watch all of them.




Now, I don't even like skate boarding. Probs cause I suck at it. But, I feel that I would catch on much quicker with a Hover Board. Who wouldn't? I mean, we're in the future. Things that deal with "hovering" should come naturally, like space travel...


SPACE TRAVEL, AS IN, VACATION




Lost In Space was the shit.



I wasn't alive when it originally aired, but I have seen re-runs and the movie they made in the 90's was alright. Lacey Chabert is cute. See:




Cute.

Anyway, back to the future [i mean, now]. Back in the 50's and 60's everyone thought by now we would be doing the following things:

WEARING SILVER--ALWAYS




Hot, ps.

IN OUTER SPACE--LIKE, AS IN, A JOB OR VACATION, BASICALLY




and HAVING ROBOTS AS FAITHFUL SERVANTS--AND ALSO AS SIDEKICKS WITH DRY HUMORS



Why don't we effing have this stuff yet? I want to have a robot do stuff for me. AND I want a machine to brush my teeth, style my hair and scratch my ass all at the same time, freeing up my hands for, i dunno, making an omlette, or playing the guitar. No, wait, maybe I want a sandwich instead.

The point is, I really think the scientists (do we still have those?) need to get cracking on all this crap. I mean, seriously. I want a robot. I want it more than I wanted a talking mouse growing up. And yes, I wanted a talking mouse really, really bad once upon a time/still kind of want one now.

Imagine all of the things I could do if I didn't have to worry about wasting time devoting myself to one tedious activity at a time? I could write more for this blog and more frequently if I didn't lose at least 1-2 hours of my time to mundane daily activities like showering, dressing and preparing food.

Also, space travel would be loads of fun. I mean, I'm not the biggest fan of wearing the same silver outfit every day, but I'm willing to compromise. I would also like more gadgets with different buttons that light up.

You know, now that I'm thinking about, I think that my current obsession with all of this crap stems from one thing: I always wanted a pair of those L.A. Gear shows and never got 'em. You know, the ones that light up with every step? Yeah, those. I wanted pink ones.

2008: Hello. Hi. Please don't suck like last year.

It has been seven days since my last post. Since then, I have drafted and then adandoned at least half a dozen attempts. I am just that cool.

Right now I am very, very tired. I haven't slept much these past few days. Dyke drama is ridic., especially around the holidays, I'm thinking. Maybe? Yes? Probs def yes.

This video has been my favorite thing this week, and maybe my favorite online video ever. It's less than 30 seconds and I LOLed so hard at this thing that I couldn't breath. There really are no words...



Oh, and then, there's this instant classic that I re-watched maybe four times with Frank after watching it at work with Kaitlyn at least three times.



Priceless.

Well, I kind of feel like I'm recapping stuff from the news right now, but this crap is so awesome, I just have to share it. With this next bit, it's not so bad since the story involves people I actually know like, you know, me and Kaitlyn.

Apparantly Jamie-Lynn Spears is pregnant. I know this, because everyone else on this entire planet knows this, so it's my turn now. That's how these things work. I don't have TV, so i rely on most of my friends to filter through all the info that I might want to know. I sometimes check news sites, but those are just filtered in a different way anyhow. So it doesn't really make a difference anyway.

SO...

She's pregnant. Kaitlyn and I went online to investigate because we were bored at work and there's only so many times you can watch either of the videos from above before they lose their brilliance.

So, we looked up Ms. Spears and the tool that knocked her up.




Kaitlyn and I got a good laugh about the whole thing, especially when we tried imagining what might have transpired between little Jamie-Lynn and her proud mother. It said somewhere that she told her mom via a handwritten note that she handed her. We think it looked a little something like this:




Moving on...

I am currently enjoying a peanut butter & jelly & frito's sandwich on wheat bread. Yum! It is approximately the 7,842nd sandwich I've had like that this week. Clearly, I am on a kick. Jean (this woman I work with) said that my sandwich reminds her of something you'd eat in prison, even though she's never been to prison and never tried the sandwich. It's totally delicious, ps.

So, Christmas is seriously less than a week away and I am totally unprepared. I know I've said that in many years past, but this time I really, really mean it. I haven't even thought about what I'm doing present-wise.

Atcually, that's a bit of an exaggeration. (Shocker!) I thought about what I'll make for presents when I was on my lunch break today while I talked to JP (holla!) on the phone and hunted for an art store.

PS: There are NO art stores in garden city. Probs cause there's just an Arby's. And this office.

So, I totally know what I'm making for everyone. And by everyone, I mean some of my family and a few friends who have already gotten me something. I would prefer to take everyone out to the bar and then buy a round of shots, but not everyone drinks. I mean, why wouldn't you? But whatevs. Moving on...or rather, back.

I plan on getting maybe ONE present done before Christmas cause that's how I roll. I wait until the last second and then take on way more than I can handle, thus leaving me empty-handed when said holiday/birthday/anniversary rolls around.

Basically, I am a total loser when it comes to presents. And ya wanna know why? Because I have mastered the art (and I don't use either of those terms lightly) of doing nothing while still both appearing and feeling incredibly busy. I have no idea how I got so good at it because my parents are the exact opposite. My mother had her PDA implanted into her skull and my father is prone to taking on elaborate tasks like his garden, any meal, decorating for Halloween and baking cookies. They both find ways to finish everything in a resonable amount of time and always, always, always, at the very least, complete their tasks.

Me? I will say something like, "I'll see you in an hour, I'm just gonna take a quick shower." That statement is always met with eye rolling and replies like, "Yeah, okay. I guess I'll see you later tonight? Tomorrow? Maybe? Probably not."

And the thing is, I have no idea why I suck so bad at getting my shit together. I really don't. And I have a sneaky suspision that working on this blog is not helping. Anyway, moving on...

I would now like to write and open letter to 2008, the year of the tiger. Maybe. I'm not sure. I just made that up. I don't do the whole zodiac thing.

Dear 2008,

Hello. Hi. Please don't suck like last year.

Now, I'm not saying that the year was on par with the shit sandwich that Bette endured in season 2, but it was not the greatest.




I started last year still a little cloudy from being worried all the time about my mom. And then I was a chicken shit. And then Eric left and my aunt died. But I got a tattoo that day, so it was interesting, the day of her funeral. That day I gave a reading that I wanted to back out of, but didnt and then cried and cried and cried.




Eric left and i cried some more. I tied up the ends of a ridiculous little non-affair, Jessy moved in. I began loathing the cat more than mustard and FOX News. Frank's whole world fell apart and I tried to be there, but it wasn't always easy. I did it and i'd do it again, but I was oh so very tired.




And so I drank and drank and drank and had classes that I sometimes went to and production meetings that I always attended with at least a near crippling hangover. I watched the L word at the bar and never finished an episode sober. I started smoking a lot more and therefore reading more David Sedaris on the stoop shivering in the cold, more coughing, more drinking.







I went out a lot. Painted a lot. Picked up the guitar. Frank got better. I missed Eric. Jessy and I grew a lot closer. Made a lot of new friends out in bars and clubs. Met a lot of girls. She whispered in my ear and we both embarassed ourselves and I just kept on pretending. There was a ball. Eric came and so did Jarvis.







Winter faded into spring and not much changed. Went to Menjo's more than once, which is way more times than anyone should ever go. Met some more girls. Drank. Smoked. Was late to everything a lot more than usual. Still worried. Still felt heartbroken and foolish. Made some more new friends.







The spring quickly turned to summer and the show was over; no more hungover production meetings, no more Kurtz (thank god), no more Aku (not so great). The summer was fantastic. I kept up with what I was doing. You know the story already: girls, cloves, jack & coke (with a lime), and so on and so forth.




Made a new friend that I quickly severed ties with because it cost me another friend. Still felt the same. Still did the same things. The faces changed, but, really, everything stayed the same.







And then as summer drew to a close I set into motion a series of events that still makes my head spin sometimes. The people and places and things that transpired are much to fresh and private. Suffice as to say, 2007, you sucked a little bit.

I mean, PRIDE was fun and I did enjoy the endless partying, but you also sent me some shit sandwiches.

So, 2008...

Please try and not suck so bad. I would really appreciate it.

They say that what doesn't kill us makes us who we are.

Here's the thing: I have a zillion things I really want to do right now. Like, literally, my head is just about spinning with it all. Here's a short list of things I would like to do right now, simultaneously, but can't because I'm at work/it would be physically impossible:

1. write this blog
2. write a blog re: my trip to VA, part II of my chicago trip, a year in review, little updates from this week...
3. start maybe ten screenplays
4. play the guitar.
5. fiddle on a keyboard (hello Her Space Holiday/Motion City Sountrack!)
6. play the drums
7. rearrange my apt.
8. get my hair cut
9. drink hot chocolate
10. go to the bathroom

Ridiculous, I know. About the bathroom situation...I'm supposed to be glued to the phone/emails coming through at work right now. For instance, if I have to go to the bathroom, I usually leave the door open and don't turn on the light/fan, so I can hear if the phone rings. Yes, I pee in the dark at work. Holla!

But there are still two attorneys here in the office right now. Thus, preventing me from going to the bathroom with the door open/going to the bathroom at all, because I can't let them hear the phone ring while I'm all "tra-la-la...peeing with the light on/loud ass fan. phone? what phone? job? what job? hello. goodbye. thank you."

In short (too late, obvs), I have to pee like whoa right now. For anyone who doesn't know (approaching TMI territory, JP...), when I have to pee I get "the shivers". My friend Keighty gave a name to my strange condition when I was in high school (in Novi. Holla!). Basically, when I have to pee for more than maybe two minutes, I get the chills about every minute or so. But if i hold it for too long, they come in great waves every few seconds. My finger tips go numb and purple from being so effing cold and i start to, you guessed it: shiver. I have a mean case of the shivers right now. Like, whoa.

I should be able to take care of that one soon, I hope.

And actually, regarding #'s 8 & 9. I will take care of those in an hour or so when I meet Natalie at my mom's. She will cut my hair (finally) and we will both drink hot chocolate.

Still shivering... Like the Coldplay song "Shiver", only terrible.

Since I cannot even begin to approach any part of this list in the near future (i.e. tonight), I am going to pick an entirely new thing to want to do and do that instead, mainly because it is the only thing I am capable of doing right now, because I am still stuck at work (shivering).



This Time Last Year

December 2006: Casa de Homo




Last year during the month of December, I lived with Eric. It was fabulous. We got along really well as roommates. In fact, one of the first nights we were there together (after the honeymoon, obvs), he came hopping into my room in a pillow case and asked, "wanna race?"

Obvs, I fell madly in love with Eric, and that love only grows stronger every day.

We had a great time because Eric is silly and I have the potential, but will never do it on my own, unless provoked. So, kind of, it was a little bit like still living with Val, whenever she would get giggly and fart on me. (ps: love you, miss you again already!)




See what I mean about Eric being silly? This photograph dates back to early dec. of last year when I bought a baking station from Target (amazing, this baking station) and had to assemble it by myself. Eric refuses to assemble things. I don't even wanna get into that right now. Anyway, I am relatively handy, so it was more fun than anything else.

Eric sat in his room the whole time writing and when I was done, the first thing he did was put on the box like it was outfit. No mention of "wow, that looks great. nice job. you are the best lesbian wife a gay man could ever ask for." None of that. It was more like, "Rar! I'm a box monster!" He put some of the packaging in his eyes and called them "monster contacts" and then spent half an hour chasing the cat around.

See why I love Eric?




This is Eric's cat/my cat for a hot second. Her name is Squeakers and it is only by the grace of, god knows what, that Squeakers is still breathing/rubbing her vag on things. Gross. She only does it when she's in heat. But she's nearly perpetually in heat, so it feels like all the time if you live with it. We almost punched her in the vag maybe ten times. I know I thought about it all day long when she would wander around hovering close to everything, rubbing her vag scent on every. single. thing.

I still cannot believe I ever lived with that cat/kept her for a while when Eric was away living on a shelf for a gagillion dollars a month. I called him Nick Nack for a while.

Anyway, living with Eric was fantastic and I was all kinds of sad when he said he was leaving. But for now, without jumping into the next month, I would like to recall the short, but glorious time we spent together and savor it.

I'm remembering now, how he taught me how to play the styrofoam violin.




And then another time, he helped me cover Mandy in yamakas.




Good times. I'm gonna go pee now.

As we cover our heads and drink heavily into the night...

Tra-la-la…sitting at work waiting for the phone to ring. Holla! So, my new job…

I work in a little fish bowl according to the guy from Jimmy John’s who brought us free samples last week. The job is pretty great, well the first half of my shift is. After everyone leaves time sort of stops and I refresh the screen maybe 8,000 times hoping for an email so I’ll have something to do. But sometimes the phone won’t ring for 40 minutes at a time and there’s only so much surfing I can do on the web/how many times I can check myspace, facebook and the blogs I read. Basically, I run out of shit to do. So, I’m guessing, this will mean that I will be doing a lot more writing.

Exciting. I know, right?

Today, Kaitlyn brought in pistachios. They were delicious and according to Jean, they also help prevent cancer. Double Holla! The bag was pretty funny too.




You can’t really tell, but the bag says “Catch Me On The Web…” Kaitlyn was quick to note how hilarious that woman looks with her scarf blowing in the wind as she drives her convertible peanut. Awesome.




I have refreshed Riese’s blog approx. 87 times in the last 15 minutes. I’m waiting for her to finish out secrets weeks(s). I’m wicked excited. Maybe I’ll go back and read everything in her archives from before I started reading her stuff a couple years ago.

I apologize for the rambling. I am totally pulling a fifth grade reading exercise right now and just freewriting about absolutely nothing. Blah blah blah. Haha. Awesome.

This was my Tuesday night:




Oh, and this:




Waaaaay too much wine and then I went and bought a pack of cloves. In case you didn’t know, I quit smoking. Sort of. Whenever alcohol is present, I instantly crave cloves like whoa.

If I am not near alcohol, I do great with not smoking even a little bit. But, once I even smell alcohol, let alone get drunk, all bets are off. There’s just something so incredibly satisfying about smoking while drinking. It’s almost as if killing one organ at a time is not enough emo self-destruction for me. I must, MUST knock out at least two at a time.

[Meanwhile, back in the land of Lemon Laws...]




No one EVER has a pen. I don’t understand why anyone would call our number and not have a pen and pad within arm’s reach. This is a law office. I mean, for real. Some people call here looking for recall info and they NEVER have a pen. They’re the worst by far. If you were calling absolutely any number for info, get a freaking pen. I mean, their memory is obvs shit cause they can’t even remember a pen, do they think they can commit whatever information I might give them to memory? If they do, they are really, really a lot dumber than I thought.

Anyway…




I’m listening to Motion City Soundtrack and they are fantastic. I saw them live maybe a month ago, maybe less. I have no concept of time, as that would probably require consuming less alcohol and sleeping more. And that’s not gonna happen any time soon.




So I saw MCS a few weeks ago and they were so much fun. The lead singer has the funniest hair ever.




Well, no one’s is funnier or more insane looking than, say Robert Smith…




…or Phil Spector…




…or Donald Trump.




Haha. Awesome. I love crazy hair. Mine is currently in desperate need of a cut. It’s getting so fucking long I can hardly stand it. Natalie, if you are reading this CALL ME. I am dying. You see, my hair is supposed to look sort of, kind of like this, or at least this length:




Instead, my hair kind of looks like this:




The picture is a couple months old, but you get the idea. If I don’t get my hair cut frequently enough, I start looking like a drag queen, according to Cal Schwartz. And he’s a gay man, so he knows.

So, yeah, I need a hair cut like whoa.

I have no idea what I was talking about or how I transitioned so quickly from my accidental drunken Tuesday night, to crazy hair and then back to me. Ah well, onwards and upwards…

I la-la-love the new L Word teaser for season 5. It’s all kinds of amazing. You should check it out. For real. I would not steer you wrong when it comes to The L Word.



P.S. JP: you know you love that I just went against your little nugget of knowledge. Haha. Awesome.

So, The L Word is gonna be amazing. I am all kinds of looking forward to next year. This year was insane. January 2008 will mark the glorious return of The L Word, my return to WSU classes (hello play analysis!), The L Word recaps by the lovely Riese, one month closer to any season other than winter, broken resolutions and maybe, just maybe, the beginning of a year in which I fuck up a lot less. But, let’s be real; I’m not holding my breath. You shouldn’t either.

Here’s a picture of me and JP:




She’s special. And not in a retarded kind of way. In our friendship, I am the retard. But it’s all good, cause I feel a lot less anxious that way, when people kind of already, basically expect nothing but me fucking up. I think I sleep better at night that way.




Hey! ‘Hatful’ cast, crew, etc.: you are for real missing out. Ted, we need to do tea. I completely forgot we had a date. My bad. Remember all that stuff I JUST said about being retarded? See, what I mean? Anyway, I think you (Hatful folks, and non-Hatful folks too I guess. The more the merrier!) should give me a call. Or poke me on facebook. Whatevs. Let’s all get together and get sloppy drunk and get Ted to dance on top of a bar again.




That’s Ted lying on the ground in rehearsal way back when. He’s pretty.
Here’s ONE more picture. My dad is the coolest.




Later!