today, my number one feeling is: orange. because nothing rhymes with orange, or so im told. i really haven't looked into it.

When I was younger I spent a lot of time inside my head plotting grand schemes and adventures and predicting my future. I was the weirdo kid who drew up business plans, hand crafted musical instruments out of paper towel rolls, rubber bands and shoe boxes , sketched out the blue prints for the house I was going to build and took a mob-like approach to a lemonade stand that I ran for only one, albeit, very successful day.



I was convinced that I was fully capable of coming up with a flavor of chewing gum that would revolutionize the industry, that I would write an Oscar winning screenplay at the age of 12 and that one day my family and I (because of our infinite talents and irresistible charisma) would all be famous like the Kennedy’s, except w/o the curse part.

I was always taking notes; having started a journal in the fourth grade b/c my teacher told me it was a good idea. I noted the way my parents raised me, the decisions everyone made around me and I told myself I would learn from everyone’s mistakes, thus eliminating the hassle of making my own. It would free up an awful lot of the time necessary for achieving the laundry list of shit I felt was completely within my grasp.

As the years have rolled on, I’ve had the wind knocked out of me enough times to know that with all my high hopes, I am still capable of a lot of the silly ideas I had, but I am not however, exempt from making roughly one billion mistakes along the way.

Some of my greatest (aka, favorite) ideas i've had along the way are things that I still plan to do one day.

1. Build a tree house like the one in Swiss Family Robinson.



That movie changed my life in so many ways. Have you seen the film? I still, STILL love that movie as much now as i did the first time I saw it. They live in the most amazing tree house of all time. It is my plan, to one day, build a tree house exactly like the one in the movie.

I used to throw the movie on and pause it at the appropriate times so I could fine tune the blue print I was drafting. I drew side views and front views and planned where the furniture would go and studied our Atlas for potential uncharted islands where I could set up my little get-away.

Unfortunately, the sketches I made were lost in one of our moves. But I still plan to build a tree house like theirs one day. And it won’t be one of those stupid ones I keep finding online. It has to be half fort, half house and the coconut grenades will absolutely be part of the equation.

2. Run my own company.



Technically, technically, I have already done this one. Jarvis and I started up a film company that is still in existence. However, because we have yet to finish the two films we shot and because we rarely see each other anymore, I cannot officially cross this off my list, which is why it’s here now.

In my weirdo dreams as a tot I owned a fake company with my cousin David. We named the company D.E. Electronics and to this day I have no idea what we were pretending to sell. But in the lengthy infomercial like commercials we produced, you would think we had that shit nailed down. I produced graphs and charts comparing our company to our “competitors” and explained in clear plain English, that our company was simply the best blahblahblah. I should dig up those videos.

My point is, I was practicing for the two jobs I would hold one day. The first being my job for Valassis, aka corporate America, aka the man, the second one is my current job at BPI Information Systems, which, ps, I have a hard time explaining to people just like I did w/the fake electronics company I had when I was 13.

3. Be in a band.



Ok, technically, I also did this one too/am doing it right now. BUT, since I am not in a band called Hanson, this one is also technically not completed yet.

I started guitar lessons when I was maybe 5 and then I started piano lessons maybe a year or so later that would continue for more than a few years. I have since forgotten pretty much everything I ever learned on the piano and regret that I didn’t stick with is. But, I only half regret it b/c I picked up the drums a few years after and I like the drums a lot more, so whatever.

Anyway, I was obsessed with Hanson when I was younger. They rocked my world like whoa, and I will always, always, always love them for that.

When I was younger I would very frequently cancel plans with friends or tell them I couldn’t hang out cause I was “busy” so that I could escape to my room of handmade instruments. I already owned a midget guitar, or wait… sorry--a "little people" guitar--but I needed a bass so I made one out of shit I found around the house and then made a drum kit out of pots and pans and banged on them with the handles of wooden spoons.

I had a boom box that I would record my songs on and often times I would force my sisters to play along b/c it was pretty much impossible to play all of the parts by myself and all at the same time. Oh man! I forgot about my Casio keyboard! That thing was, I am not kidding, the coolest thing ever. I also used that for my fake band and cursed my sisters for not possessing the necessary musical talent, the desire to play music with me in the first place and the dream of one day being on TRL.

Sidenote: I loved TRL when it first started. I used to tape the show and study it for my other future career…

4. Be a host on TRL and/or a radio DJ.



The boom box did double duty and also served as a tool I would use to make my own radio shows that I would spend two weeks writing, recording and producing. I would then force my mother to listen to it on her way to work and force my dad and my sisters to listen to it on our way to his house on the weekends we'd spend with him.

I would include weather forecasts and hot news stories and little anecdotes that I thought were very clever. I wasted roughly 10,000 trees drafting and revising my scripts and the different components that made it up.

I also wrote, produced, directed and edited a fake TRL I made with my BFF from middle school. We took turns hosting and there was a period of time when I was obsessed with speeding up and slowing down the film, during which time I may or may not have aimed a fan at my BFF for a fake hair product commercial.

Also, this dream will never come true b/c they cancelled the show. Boo.

5. Own my own newspaper.



Around the holidays I used to put out newsletters. And when I say “put out”, I mean I would show up at my grandma’s house and race into the den to start work on it. I would write, edit and print out exactly too many copies of my newsletter and then force everyone to read it after dinner. They always had clever titles like the “Gobbler Gazette” and the one I did at Christmas time that I can’t recall right now, but was probably equally lame.

I’d put in word searches and word scrambles and articles about whatever holiday it was inter-spliced with fake advertisements so they would know I was legit.

Ho hum.

I may or may not continue this list. Right now, i have to get back to "work". In the meantime, what were some of your crazy ideas and do you plan on ever crossing them off your proverbial list?

Discuss.

everything i needed to know in life, i learned from a cookie.

Sometimes I forget that I live in a cozy little bubble. When I venture beyond it, I am reminded of how far we have yet to go as a people.

When I see shit like this:


"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

…I have a hard time wrapping my head around why anyone would ever want to aggressively impede another person’s happiness. I just don’t get it.

So, help me understand. I doubt anyone who’s reading this right now is the kind of person who would do that, but in case any of you are, please, please, please fill me in.


REPENT!!



I wanna know what makes a person feel entitled enough to tell millions of people that they are less than, inferior and do not deserve equal rights. Is it fear? If so, is it fear of the unknown? Does it gross you out? Does it make you feel threatened? Cause last time I checked ya’ll SUCK at the marriage thing. What’s the statistic up to now? Help me remember…

Is it a religious thing? Cause I’m pretty sure the main pillars of Christianity are about love and respect and NOT judging other people. I’m pretty sure the Bible is very clear about the proverbial “us (i.e. YOU)” having no authority in that department. Isn’t that supposed to be the job of the big guy upstairs? Maybe I read it wrong.

And I know there are passages about “homosexuality”, but we could go rounds there too. Cause there’s an awful lot of contradictory shit in the b-i-b-l-e. and it’s fine if you cherry pick for what you want out of it, cause I’d probably do the same thing in your shoes. We could talk about the context with which the Bible was put together, why certain things are in there and certain things aren’t, or about how it might be—and I could be going way out on a limb here-a liiiitttle outdated.

If it’s not religion, than what is it? And even if it is religion that wigs you out, then what gives you the right? Yeah, I guess that’s what im asking. The old schoolyard adage of “who died and made you king? I’m pretty sure the answer is no one.

So, stop it.



believe it or not, this was taken BEFORE i was ready to talk about "it"


You see, when I came out to my family and friends it took me a long time, because I was afraid. I was scared shitless that they would treat me differently, that they might love me less because of something that is completely out of my control.

And, while we’re dancing around the subject I just want to quickly mention that it’s not a choice, trust me. Why would anyone choose to be hated?

Anyway, everyone was fine with it. A lot of the convos went like this:

ME: …I’m gay.
THEM: …and?
ME: that’s it. Im gay.
THEM: Oh. Ok. ::shrugs:: Sorry, I thought there was more. Well that’s cool. I mean, whatever makes you happy.

And then we’d hug it out for good measure.

It took a while, but eventually i told everyone, they figured it out on their own, heard it through the grape vine or just kind of always assumed. And none of them treated me like a weirdo, made me feel like shit, told me I was a freak, tried to change me... none of that stupid, pointless shit.

Some people in my family don’t know, and who knows, maybe they’re reading this right now. Ha.

Anyway, they either don’t know or pretend not to know and at this stage in the game, I don’t really think there’s any point to upsetting my 80 year old Pat Robertson-loving grandparents. They would most definitely freak out and they are probably 100% supportive of the discrimination they’ve legislated all over the country.

I wish I could pick their brains about it, but I’d have to tell them first, which is not happening.

One of my favorite stories w/r/t the little dance I do with my grandparents is this:




A couple winters ago I was visiting them at their home. We were chit chatting and telling stories and then I noticed a plate of cookies sitting on the counter tucked in the corner. They were on some sort of holiday themed paper plate, covered in cellophane. They looked delicious.

“Ooooh! Can I have one of these?” I asked.

My grandmother reached her arm out towards me like I’d just thrown a lit match into the gas tank of their Cadillac, “NOOO!! You don’t want those cookies.”

“Oh.” I pulled my hand away from the plate. “Are they old or something?”

“No they’re not old. They’re from,” she lowered her voice, “ the neighbors.”

I lowered my voice too, “are they terrorists?”

“No,” she said, “they’re… lesbians.”

Um… what? I was puzzled. Why the hell should that matter? They seriously looked really, really good, those cookies.

“Are they also terrorists?” I pulled the plate towards myself, “Did they put anthrax in these cookies?” I began to un-wrap the cellophane.

“Didn’t you hear me? They’re…” she lowered her voice again, “they’re lesbians.”

“They’re just cookies. You can’t catch gay from a cookie.” I picked up a cookie and raised it to my lips.

She shook her head and sighed a great big heavy sigh that said, well… at least I tried…

I ate that damn cookie and it was delicious. And I can tell you with utmost certainty that the delicious, homemade, “lesbian” cookie, that was lovingly delivered to my grandma’s front door, along with a holiday card, did not turn me gay.

Cookies cannot make you gay. Sharing a glass w/a gay person does not make you gay. Shaking hands with and/or hugging a gay person does not spread gay either. If that were the case a LOT more people would be gay. In fact, we’d all be gay. You wanna know why?

EVERYONE knows a gay person.



Statistically, we the gays, make up a tenth of our population. That means that we work with you, we’re in your family, we’re your friends, we’re your neighbors and we are no different from you on the inside. Our love just takes a different form than yours.

And I swear, we mean no harm. We’re trying to do the same shit you are. It’s just a little tougher for us, because so many people STILL think we’re freaks.

That’ll all change with the passing of time with an evolution of sorts. The older, less accepting generation will slowly die off and then it’ll be just like anything else.

Until that day, I urge you to do one of a few thing:

1. If you are gay. Keep being true to yourself and show, by example, that there’s nothing to be afraid of.

2. If you are not gay, but there’s someone in your life who is and you are totally cool with it, show your support whenever you can. It means more than you think is does, and we could really use the help.

3. If you are not gay but you hate gay people or are scared of them or think that I am crazy when I say that someone you know is gay… first of all, wow. Second of all, open that little heart of yours and let us in, yo.

Life’s too short to walk around carrying all that hate on your back.

And to my fabulous friends and family, I love you more than I could ever express adequately in words. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for never treating me like anything less than the hopeless smart-ass-nerdy-goofball that I will always be. I love you.



Let freedom ring ya’ll!