I want to tell you a story.

I know I've written a lot of random crap here, and mainly I try to avoid mentioning names unless it's in a positive light. If I wrote as much as I wanted to on here, every single person I know would be furious. Cause, you know, this year has not been exactly been what I was hoping for.

And lately, especially, these past couple of weeks, I have tried to muster the will to write something positive for everyone because I'm not the only one going through hard times. Pretty much everyone is dealing with something always. So, you know, in the grand scheme of things, writing positive shit is the better alternative to broadcasting some really delicate situations that have been very trying lately.

I wrote a post once, very recently and then deleted it after it had been up for maybe 24 hours, because I was so vague and included a photograph that I maybe shouldn't have. It turned into a big misunderstanding.

But it made me even more hesitant about posting anything even mildly personal.

Until now.

Like I said before, I want to tell you a story.

I'm going to ask you all to close your eyes while I tell you the story. I want you to listen to me. I want you to listen to yourselves.

I want to tell you all something that I haven't really been open about until now. My family and I have kept on the down low in an effort to move on and wash our hands of an unusual and ridiculous situation. When the news first broke, I wrote about it vaguely. I even went as far as using fake names. To this day, I'm not sure if anyone had any idea what was going on. But I want to clear the air now.

The events of this past week, the first week after Nicole's passing, have exhausted me to the point or agoraphobia. I haven't had the energy to be angry or to make myself clear. It's just been a fucking whirling dervish of crap, flying at me, all fists and elbows. Today, is the first day I feel strong enough and sober enough to address any of it.

"I am Jack's smirking revenge."

Frank is a liar and a manipulator. I should've known right away, but hindsight is always 20/20 and it really snuck up on us. After I discovered his enormous web of lies, I was just completely and utterly dumbfounded. I've never known anyone as desperate for attention as he is.

When the funeral was approaching and he was openly grieving on his own blog, I couldn't help but feel so angry at him all over again. All of his readers poured out their sympathy for him and he ate it up like a greedy bastard. They don't know the real Frank. They don't understand the sorts of things he's capable of. I thought for a while that maybe he had some sort of a mental disorder. His lies were so great in size and number, that it seemed no sane person would be capable of it.

But I'd really hate to give him such an easy out. The fact of the matter is that he's a liar and for at least two solid years of all our lives he made Nicole look like the crazy one.

Nicole was very close with all of us. She was like another sister to me and Val and Abi. And her untimely death has been nothing short of tragic. The heartbreak is unreal. I still can't wrap my head around it.

"You have very serious emotional problems. Deep seated problems for which you should seek professional help."

Frank and Nicole were the closest things to mortal enemies that I have ever known. I don't think a lot of people understand why. I've been an active part of that; I just wanted it all to be over. But now I want everyone to know how fucking crazy and selfish he is, because he's gotten all too good at making it appear otherwise.

Maybe he did cry for her and maybe he is sorry that he caused her so much frustration over the years. And all for what? For the love and attention from a girl he still obsesses over. It's sad, really.

He stews in his own bull shit so much that he'll probably believe it forever.

I am fairly certain that he attended her funeral. I was given a heads up that he might, but I didn't receive it in time. I was too busy grieving the loss of Nicole. She was freaking hysterical, ps. She was my favorite kind of person, no bullshit, let's you know where you stand kind of girl. I loved her like a sister. It was hard not to. She was over our house constantly and she and Val were attached at the hip. It was kind of like, when we were little and we'd pick teams for kickball or something and there'd always be some pair of girls who would lock arms and announce that they "came as a package". Do you know what I'm talking about?

Val and Nicole were like that. They came as a proverbial package. So, we saw her all the time. My family loved her. Abi and I loved her.

But for a two year stretch of time, we questioned her. She kept looking at us, shaking her head and saying, "Frank is a liar. He's so full of shit. He's obsessed with Val and he'll do anything to get her attention. Trust me. I've known him forever. He's an asshole."

But Abi and I would look at her like she told us monkeys were flying out of our butts. Every single time Nicole warned us about Frank and his capacity for being a selfish bastard, we brushed it off. We'd agree to disagree and move on. And, I guess, in a way, I kind of feel like Nicole right now.

But i tell you what, Nicole hated Frank. He made her life hell. When Frank and Val were dating (each of the three times, on and off again...) Nicole would get pushed to the side. Val likes to do what I do and multitask, even when seeing different friends. So, when she'd want to go to the movies, Frank had the unspoken invitation and Val would call Nicole.

VAL: Wanna go to the movies?
NICOLE: Is Frank going?
VAL: ...yeah.
NICOLE: No thanks.

And it was all because she couldn't stand him the way that Abi and I can't stand him now. Once you've been crossed by someone in a certain way, it's hard to let it go.

"I am Jack's raging bile duct."

And the thing is, I've tried to understand Frank's motives. I haven't bothered to hear him out, because as far as I'm concerned, the ends do not justify the means and he'd probably feed me some more of his bull shit anyway.

But still, I've tried to wrap my head around it all:

Why make up a person?

Why make up a band?

Why lie about your involvement in said make believe band?

Why set up myspace pages for both?

Why use the other imaginary friend to communicate with Abi and me when you were supposed to be in the hospital and/or suicidal?

Why produce this mess?

Because of all of the shit he's made up, I have no idea whether or not to believe that he has/ever had cirrhosis of the liver or that he almost lost his mother to suicide. Twice. I have no idea if anything he's ever told me was anything but a lie.

I think I have the answer to all of the other questions though, because it's the same answer to the following: Why put a rift between Val and Nicole and consequently, between Nicole, Abi and I?

Because he hated when Val's attention was on anyone/anything other than him. I hope it was worth it to him for a while, because he fucked with a lot of people's heads.

It might seem like an over simplification because things got so out of hand. But that was his fault. He started lying and making shit up, so he just had to continue lying.

He told us he was writing lyrics for his friend's band. Lie. Val got excited, so he sent her the lyrics he was "working on". Not his lyrics. Lie.

She loved the lyrics, so he sent her some songs they were recording. Total bull shit. Not his songs. Again...lie. Nicole looked at us and laughed. "You guys," she said, "Frank is so full of shit. I can't believe you're buying all this crap about the band. That can't be real. No way."

But we ate it up.

Magically the band got signed to a little label and flown to L.A. to record their debut album. Lie. He's never been to L.A.. But, holy hell did he have stories. Every time I called him it was one thing after another. They played a bunch of shows, had a nice hotel (that was probably just his dorm), went with the guys to bars and partied in hotel rooms, got into a street fight, got his ribs beaten in with a baseball bat, ended up in the hospital, thought he was gonna die, left me a breathy voicemail on his way to the "hospital". He was probably just done jogging or something. He called me and left another panicked voicemail about punching out his mirror after speaking to Val. He used to call me and threaten to kill himself and ramble on and on and fucking on about how horrible his life was.

"This isn't a real suicide-thing. This is probably one of those cry-for-help things."

And I sat there and I listened and I tried to get him through it. It was seriously, just like a movie. Things would be shitty for him (supposedly) and then BAM--he's kicked out of school and then he was suing the school, and now he's apparently going to the school again. And, god knows what else.

When he was suicidal, I used to email back and forth between "Adair", this friend he had who was probably real at some point, but was no longer real. He had become another voice for Frank to speak through. Adair was kind of like a virtual marionette that Frank would speak through, posing as a concerned friend, but really, it was not Adair. It was Frank pleading for his own life. It was the most bizarre thing I have ever been a part of. And it wasn't like it only lasted a few months. It lasted close to a year.

Somewhere along the way, Frank must've gotten sick of keeping up with all of his lies, because Adair "died". He totally killed off his BFF in his own little twilight zone and I was upset as hell. Here I was losing a friend, who I thought was a totally different person. When, in fact, it was just Frank pretending to be this other person. He was Tyler Durden. But I didn't find out until later.

The lie that finally got him caught (with Val, at least) was absolutely ridiculous. He was getting all too confident in his double life, that, ps, he probably fabricated from the basement of his mother's house.

"You had to give it to him: he had a plan. And it started to make sense, in a Tyler sort of way."

He lied about another song, but this time, Val caught him in his lie. He claimed that he co-wrote/helped inspire a song by Something Corporate called "She Paints Me Blue". She went looking for the song and found it rather odd that the publication date was years before and called him out.

Nicole smiled knowingly. Val was pissed. She cut him out. Stone cold. It was over. But Val didn't broadcast it and we'd been subject to all of his other lies for so long that we didn't bother to question the rest of it.

When Frank claimed his mother was near death in the hospital, Nicole saw his mother in Frank's yard and called us up. And, again, we thought Miller was crazy. It's a pretty huge accusation to put on someone: you're mother is not dying. You made it up. Who says that? Miller did. She hated liars. And that's why she hated Frank.

When Abi and I finally made our own discoveries, we gave him an earful and he calmly and quietly hung up the phone with no shred of remorse. That night, Abi and I marched over to Nicole's house and apologized. She laughed. "I've been telling you guys for years what a piece of shit Frank is. He's the devil."

Now, I wouldn't flatter him, even for a second and compare him to the devil. But, he is full of shit. He manipulates for attention. It's sick. Really, it is. This has been years in the making. Fucking, long, weird ass years. There were whole stretches of weeks when I'd spend hours on the phone with him, talking him down from the proverbial ledge. And for what? He was fine. I should've just hung up the phone and gotten some sleep because the bastard seems to be doing just fine now. Somehow, magically, he's fine. There are no more threats of suicide.

"I am Jack's cold sweat."

"I can't believe you. All the shit you've said, for...god--forever, Frank." I was so angry with him. For a few solid minutes he was silent on the other end of the phone. I stopped to take a breath. I shook me head.

He just, very matter of factly said, "Ok, well, I'm gonna hang up now."

Who the fuck does that? Who fucks with your head for YEARS and then just says, "I'm gonna hang up now"? Frank does. He loves himself more than he'll ever let on, because then you wouldn’t feel sorry for him anymore.

When I heard that he was upset about Nicole's death, my first thought was, "Since when do you care?" He treated her like shit for so long, that I can't remember a time when Miller didn't say to me on a somewhat regular basis, "God, I hate Frank. I wouldn't even want that freak at my funeral."

Those are important words to remember, because they were the second thought that popped into my head. There he was making his plans to come home, blogging like there's no tomorrow about how sad he feels over all the shit he put her though. And you know what? I don't fucking believe him. I am completely, one hundred percent convinced that he did this for himself. If he respected her wishes at all, he would've shut the fuck about it, or at least been honest about how much shit he put her through. Because if you knew, if you really tried to grasp it all, you would be as appalled as I am that he had the balls to drive back here in the first place.

It's just insane. He's insane.

"I am Jack's complete lack of surprise."

The latest chapter has been my whole reason for writing this. Apparently, he has misunderstood an email he received from one of my sisters. She was asking (essentially telling with harsh words), and we all were, really, for him to stay the fuck away. He didn't care about her at all. If we had spoken up sooner about all the shit he put her through, everyone would've known and he wouldn't have even thought about showing his stupid.

But we tried to put it behind us. We didn't want him to get any more attention, so we said our piece and we moved on. But then, when he was trying to act like the bigger person by showing up and paying his respects, I was furious. It's just another thing for him to write about, another thing for him to whine about so people will feel sorry for poor Frank who never catches a break. Bull shit.

She would've never wanted him there. And that was the sole purpose for that email, although he tried to make it seem as though it was about the three of us, or rather, him.

It wasn't. We cared enough about her to honor her wishes. He didn't. He never cared and he never will about anyone but himself.

and whiskers on kittens

I got an email from Kailtyn that made me laugh so hard that my team leader at work was like, "what the hell is so funny over there? [to her daughter/my coworker]: Elida's checking her email again."

Go here and watch the clip I'm talking about.

let's get something out of the way...



I went to a candle light vigil for Miller last night. The picture above really doesn't do it justice. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen in my entire life. I felt like the entire city of Trenton was on her front lawn holding candles in silence. It was incredible. I would go on an on about it but the point of this post and my writing efforts right now is to steer my brain (and hopefully yours too) in a less painful/stressful/agonizing direction.

Because, you know, through all that's happened so far this year--and i don't know that you'd believe me if i told you all of it--i've grown up a lot and realized that a lot of cliches are true. And maybe they're been repeated ad nauseam for a reason. When it rains it pours... That's been my year thus far.

But, you know, I'm not alone. Whenever I feel like I'm in the middle of the shittiest storm of all time, I get a call from a friend who needs a shoulder or an ear, who's life is shattering simultaneously with mine. And you know what I do? I give it to them. I give them that ear, or that shoulder and ask if there's anything else I can do.

Because, no matter what, someone, somewhere ALWAYS has it worse that you. So, in the wise words of Diane, "put your big girl panties on, pull up your boot straps, and let's go. it's gonna get worse before it gets better."

So, buck up. Call me if you need me. I will be there for you. And when I say, no matter what, absolutely anything, etc... I fucking mean it. I know what it's like. Let's band together through all of our proverbial shit storms, put on our big girl panties and remind ourselves of why we get out of bed in the morning.

If, for some reason, you cannot think of a reason and you're reading this blog, um, there's your reason. There's shit you haven't read yet. So much, especially if you're here. I have so many wonderful things that I'm going to share with you. So, you know, thanks for reading. I promise you, someone does love you and will miss you one day.

If you don't believe me, call me and I'll tell you more about Miller and the vigil and her mother and the entire city of trenton reaching out to a girl who never felt accepted. Trust me. Someone cares.

now onto the reason you're still reading...
Last night I was feeling like a total bell jar, so i went to my favorite spot. See, I used to go jogging, all the time, (and yes that was a soft "j" in jogging) and there was one spot on my route that always made me feel good. I have no idea why it makes me feel that way. It's along what it technically a drainage ditch, but looks more like a stream, there are train tracks within spitting distance and it's not super easy to get to.

It's quiet, dead quiet, save for the train that passes by occasionally and the water reflects the sky vividly but abstractly enough to resemble a Monet. There is a little bridge and the water is calm as it passes by underneath me. I stare into the water and announce that if i could, I would pay $10,000 to be able to jump into the sky I see in the water. If it were possible, I would jump into that water and transport myself into the sky, flying around in some parallel universe, where they don't have fatal car crashes, buildings don't burn and no one has an illness.

I've stared at that water for hours before, wishing to fly. And, you know, the wishing is enough for me. I can totally imagine myself floating around, feeling the wind on my face, looking down on the Earth from so far away.

the weather
Living in Michigan is not exaclty synomomous with "great" weather. But, sometimes, I feel like we stick around for that odd day when she sun is out and the wind is a slight breeze and we can roll our windows down and not be hot or cold. We can share our music with the rest of the roadways, via open windows, and feel like there are other people in the world. The kids come out to play and ride their bikes and my street isn't just the sound of wind chimes.

Yesterday was like that. It was so beautiful. I got out work early and then proceeded to get sucked into the worst three errands of my life that included: three trips to two different banks and half of my life at the secretary of state. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs.

stay with me...
But then... "Seek & Destroy" came on. I turned that shit up so loud I thought I was gonna blow my speakers and my eardrums. But it felt so damn good. I'm sure everyone has a song like that. I have a few, actually. And I would like to share them with you. Maybe you'll like one, or all, or none. I think they're pretty eclectic, but whatevs. Anyway...

Seek & Detroy
When I'm pissed off, this song is perfect for blasting. Classic Metallica.


Since U Been Gone
No matter my mood, this song makes me wanna go out and have a blast. On a nice day, it's like nirvana for a few minutes.


Nineteen
I heart Tegan and Sara and this is my favorite song by them.


Caring Is Creepy
This song has gotten me through some pretty tough days. It's easily one of my favorite songs of all time.


Shadow of the Day
This is my song of the moment. I don't even like Linkin Park very much. But this song is ballin.


PS, this story makes me really happy...

so...
i was in the car with Chelsea and Noel last weekend on our way to Toledo. We had practiced for a little while before we left and I think, in general, we feel really good about the music and us playing together, live, recording, what have you. We were already in a good mood and pumped for Gilda's and then "Since U Been Gone" came on the radio and Chelsea and I squealed like little girls for one good solid breath and then pulled it together in time to belt out the entire song.

Saturdays
For the first time in a long time, I love Saturdays something fierce. I have a 9-5, mon-fri job right now, so Saturdays are my fav. It usually means I don't need to wake up at any certain time and the chances of practicing are generally pretty good. Since the music thing is usually coupled with a trip out to the bar somewhere with some of my favorite ladies, it makes for a great day. AND i usually lay in bed for a really long time on Sunday, so knowing that all day Saturday is pretty good too.

finding shit you thought you lost forever
I cleaned my car out the other day and found two of my Zippos that I was certain had been sucked into the vortex with Papi. But, there they were, under my seat. One of them has the Vitruvian man and the other is my original Jack Daniels lighter. So, I mean, it was a really big deal for me. I thought they had left me forever.

It's just as good as finding money in an old pair of jeans, getting off work early on a nice day, minus the secretary of state, which, ps, was only miserable because i was number "00" and they were on "55" when I got there. And I had to bring everything to a screeching hault because they ran out of numbers. I went up to the counter and asked the woman for more and I could feel the whole room shift, like they were all thinking, you stupid fucking bitch. I am number 57, and I'm late for something really important and my father is sick and i have a headache and if i don't get out of here soon, i will have a meltdown.

The lady went to grab more and was walking at a glacial pace and then the room shifted and they wanted to burn her at the stake in the town square and then click the cover of the number thing was closed and she said, "pull carefully."

I said thank you and spied a little girl trying to sneak her way to the numbers before me. I knew instantly that she was either, a very over anxious child that was told she could pull the number, OR, she had a bitch for a mother who was using her kid as a pawn to get to the numbers before me EVEN THOUGH THEY CAME IN AFTER ME. Either way, I was like, fuck you little girl and/or your mother. I was here first.

So the secretary of state employee woman walked away and i wedged my way in front of this little girl who barely cleared my knee caps and pulled the "00".

But I got out of there alive and finished my errands and picked up the amp I've been waiting for and came home and played with it, and holy shit, it is easily the coolest thing ever.

I would like to leave you with...
one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite bands. I wanted to save it for the end. This song is so effing good. Give it a go. Trust me. As Tall As Lions rock my world in all sorts of ways, including this song:

Ghost of York

raindrops on roses

So... I have started and abandoned exactly 84 posts. And, you know, a lot has gone down since my last post. Val was here the weekend before last and that was amazing.

By that Sunday I was a bell jar, and that sort of bled into Monday, which bled into a rough 24 hour stretch that tested me in a number of ways. But, seeing as how I rarely blog about dramatic shit (to protect the innocent/in favor of not bumming everyone out/etc.), I am going to blog about something that has absolutely nothing to do with unhappiness.




Here are a few of my favorite things right now...

Bravo's TOP CHEF (Chicago)



I la-la-love this show for so many reasons. First of all, I love making food. I don't flex my cooking muscles as often as I should, really. I did last night though, ps. I made tortellini in a roasted garlic parmesan tomato sauce topped with fresh grated parmesan and then made my signature dish: bruchetta.

Anyway, I love this show. For anyone who doesn't know, the show is like Project Runway in the kitchen. They have 15 or so contestants and give them crazy challenges, but they all involve food. Last week the chefs had to cater to a zoo benefit dinner, designing their menu around the diets of some of the animals.

I mean, that's some crazy shit. I love watching them flip out in the kitchen, fighting over burners and sabotaging each other with missing ingredients and misinformation. Somehow, they all manage to put together a plate of food that I have never, ever seen before, but would totally eat (except the meat).

It drives Rori crazy when I watch it, but I swear it's good. Oh, and there's a lesbo couple on the show too. One of them has a faux hawk, the other wears big dangly turqouise earrings, AND there's a dude on the show with a faux hawk too. I'm rethinking my hairstyle.




Also, if you click on the link to the dude with the faux hawk, you'll see him wearing pink crocks. Why are people still wearing those? And if you want to know how to style a faux hawk, look no further.

Enchanted



Oh. My. God. Have you seen this movie yet? I wish I would've seen it in theatres, but it was still awesome watching it at home.

This movie has most everything I love in a movie: singing, dancing, animation transported into reality, Manhattan, precocious little girls, a naive leading lady, talking animals and a BA wicked witch. OMG, and the ginormous dance number in central park seriously made my heart smile:



I know that might sound really queer, but I swear it's cute AND funny and not annoying at all. I've been humming one of the songs for a week now and Rori nearly kicks me when I launch into "I've been dreaming of a true love's kiss..."

this video i found on youtube

I typed my name in the search field and this was one of the things that popped up. Apparently, there is some other Elida out there charming the pants off of somebody, so much so, that they were inspired to make a youtube video about her.



I have decided to be a big giant creep ass and make one as an ode to my bestie, JP. As soon as it is completed, I will have it up here.

the band




The ladies and I made things official in January. I remember the exact date. It was January 12th. I remember the exact date because I used a bit of forethought. It was the first night we played together as a group. Afterwards, we got shitty drunk. Chelsea passed out on the couch in Jessy's old room and I set up the air mattress for Noel in the music room/living room.

I have a pretty good memory, but never would've remembered the date so I saved the following text message so that I wouldn't have to rely on my blurry hung over memory. I received this the following morning from Chelsea:

"Wake up. My head hurts." -Chelsea

I got up and it wasn't long before I laughed my ass off as I cleaned the sauce off of the wall from when Chelsea chucked part of a French bread pizza at me the night before. She was really hung over that morning of the aforementioned text. We all felt like shit, as we poured ourselves glasses of more alcohol that morning. I mean, we just had to. There was some Arbor Mist in the fridge and it sounded delicious and also got rid of our headaches.

My point is, that we've started this band and we're making music and hopefully playing shows soon. And I'm sure that everyone's sick of me saying it in passing constantly, but it's true: playing with them is what makes me the happiest right now.

So, you know. There's that. Check out Chelsea's myspace page for the tracks she’s already recorded. It'll give you an idea of where we heading. Just try to imagine the songs with drums, bass (eventually) and me dancing around playing guitar like a crazy person especially when we do Scars. PS, Scars is my fav.

We'll have a myspace page ready as soon as we lay down the new versions of everything we've worked on collectively thus far. Stay tuned.

the girls next door




I think I've mentioned that show before and I did because I love it so much. I have no idea why I love that show so much, but I do. Kelly came over the other night and we watched a few episodes and laughed our asses off. Everything is funnier when Kelly's around, but I promise, the show is funny.

I used to hate Kendra because she is so effing stupid and her laugh makes me wanna put in ear plugs. Hugh Hefner is just gross. When I watch the show, I try not to think about him having sex with any of them, because it makes me cringe. I mean, he's old and has loose skin and old balls, and gross.

But it's funny. Very funny.

This Girl Called Automatic Win

I la-la-love reading Riese's blog and watching the VLOGs and her recaps of the L word are better than the show, which to her, I guess, is not saying a whole lot. But really, truly, she is amazing. If you're not reading her stuff yet, I find that peculiar since I have a habit of mentioning her constantly.

Rori gets pissed because I ignore her when Riese has a new post. You know, there are a great many compromises to be made in any relationship, reading Riese's blog is just not something I'm willing to negotiate.

Check her out. You won't be sorry.

And lastly...

I was browsing for photos to put up of the ladies and I practicing when I stumbled upon the following photograph that me all sorts of happy. I literally LOLed: