...i am still just a rat in a cage.

When I was in high school I had a lot of rage issues. I was pissed off ALL the time. I was incredibly bitter and mentally unhealthy. Amidst all of my teen angst, I made what I refer to as “the list”.

The list began with only one person. At the end of high school, there were four people on it. It wasn’t a Columbine type list. I wasn’t out for blood. But I was definitely enraged. The names on the list were people who had done things I considered really shitty/unforgivable. Usually it was betrayal and I do not possess the capacity to overcome such a thing. I stay bitter and it’s really best if I never see that person again cause then I feel like the Hulk and I wanna throw cars at them.

This past week/end three new people were added to the list.

Sidenote: there were seven names on “the list” before Thursday.

Thursday night…

The ladies and I had band practice and then we decided to venture out to the new pool hall in Ferndale. We have come to love that establishment, despite of or maybe b/c of it’s ridiculous name (Loving Touch). If you haven’t been there yet, I recommend it. Just, maybe keep your eye out for the guy that roofied Kelly.

At some point during the night Kelly was drugged. We didn’t realize it until later so there’s not much we can do about it.

She wandered off like she always does and when I went to find her she was chatting it up with a big guy who was built like a starting defensive lineman. I put my arms around her and he gave me a dirty look. In my head, I thought, “um… fuck you asshole.”

Kelly was acting weird. This guys a few seats over gestured towards me, so I walked up to him.

ME: (slightly annoyed): what’s up?
HIM: is that your friend.
ME: yeah.
HIM: don’t leave her alone with that guy he’s trouble.
ME: seriously?
HIM: yeah.

So, I took Kelly away from the creeper and brought her back to our table. She was wound up and crazy and we sort of assumed she was drunk. Shortly thereafter she lost muscle control and assumed the position of a raggedy Ann. We carried her out and she spit up foam.

Thank god she made it through the night and that asshole from the bar didn’t have a chance to do anything to her.

My question is this… what in the FUCK is going on in the head of a person who drugs girls? I mean, really. How do they twist their own personal logic into thinking that it’s ok to do that? And why the hell would they want to have sex with a person who is limp and lifeless and spitting up foam? Sick motherfuckers.

So, dude from the bar… I have the memory of an elephant and I could pick you out of a line-up w/o my glasses on. You should know that you’re on my list. And if I see you out somewhere, so help you. You are in for a world of pain, fucker.

Also, in case you are wondering, I looked after her until the next day. She was shaky but ok.

Saturday night…

A group of us were at soho enjoying a few adult beverages and some delicious pizza. McMannus walked up to me way more calm than she could’ve been and announced, “um… I think some guy just stole my purse.”

The cops were called, our night came to a screeching halt and McMannus has now lost some very important possessions like an external hard drive with very important information.

The cops think they have a pretty good idea of who it is, which is absolutely fabulous b/c I wanna kick his teeth in. The first purchase he made was at the CVS down the street. He bought cough drops, cigarettes and a Verizon gift card. Really, Papi? Really?! Cough drops?

McMannus and I spent Sunday afternoon digging through trash cans and dumpsters up and down 9 mile and the back alleys, hoping, against all odds that we might find her discarded bag. Unfortunately, we did not. But we did learn a lot about my neighbors in Ferndale. Among countless treasures, we found:

1. a bouquet of flowers
2. a winter coat
3. expensive chocolates
4. nearly finished bottles of vodka and whiskey
5. and about a million coffee cups and McDonald's bags

We also discovered that the dumpster behind hungry howie's smells really, really good.

So, douche bag potential heroin addict who stole McMannus’ purse, your days are numbered, b/c you just made the list too.

I don’t know which day this happened

…but Annabell’s car was stolen. She has finally gotten in back, but they jacked it up pretty bad after taking it from in front of her house.

Speaking from experience, I can tell you that having your car stolen is really effing shitty. It happened to me once and probably happens to a lot of people who own Crysler’s. They’re pretty easy to steal, or so I’ve been told. Does that make it ok? Of course not.

We should all be able to buy whatever effing car we want and park it in front of our houses expecting to find them in the morning.

everyone needs to chill the fuck out

A part of me feels like everyone is wigging out an extra special amount b/c of the rate in which our economy is tanking. But, c’mon… Everyone needs to chill the fuck out. If you are short on cash, do not take someone else’s purse and/or wallet. That is not the answer. If you think it is, I hope I never see your face EVER, cause you’re only gonna be able to crawl away.

That also applies to stealing cars. Don’t do it. Breaking out my windows for spare change is also completely unacceptable. That has happened to me twice and it’s entirely unnecessary.

Oh, and if you’re having trouble getting laid, pick up a hooker. Do not try and drug others into having the worst, most horrifically scarring sex of their lives. You are a total fucking monster if that even crosses your mind.

the moral of the story is this…

We are living in what my grandmother refers to as “the end times”. Personally, I think it’s been a lot scarier before and it should also be noted that she’s been saying that for roughly 50 years. Anyway! My point is this: times are shitty and you need to keep your guard up.

Accept that it’s a little scarier than normal and keep an eye on your shit. Double up on any normal precautions you’d take in any situation:

If you go to the bar, don’t leave your drink unattended.

If you carry a purse, keep it on your person always.

If you drive a car or ride a bike or donkey or something, make sure you lock it up and don’t leave anything of value in plain sight (i.e. stereo face plate, change, iPod, movies, cd’s, etc.) People will steal the craziest shit.

Oh! And a really important thing my mom taught me ages ago… If you ever have mail in your car, even if it’s a magazine you subscribe to, make sure it’s face down or in a bag of some sort. If someone sees your car in a lot and likes it, they could find your house and take it in the middle of the night way easier if they know your name and address. Lord knows what else they might do.

For Christ’s sake, be safe.

VLOG is spanish for... The McMannus Edition

Hello. Hi.

This week has been a little weird. So far this year (keep in mind we are only 8 days in), i have been in TWO car accidents. Count 'em, one. two.

tuesday

I was on my way downtown and everything turned to black ice. It happened so quickly i didn't even see it coming, didn't see the road beneath me glazing over in a sheet of scary fucking ice. The entire road was an ice rink. Just around the bend i could see tail lights. The highway lit up like Christmas and so the the pack of traffic i was in began to slow down. But the ice, the stupid fucking ice that we were unaware of sent us all spinning and swerving. There were a dozen of us trying to hold our wheels steady and failing.

People were hitting each other and the guard rail, and i started to fish tail. A car just ahead of me was spinning and spinning and we just missed each others' front ends as my back end whipped around and slammed into the median.

Holy shit... i thought.

wednesday

McMannus guilted me into going to Como's even though i felt like poopy shit and still kind of do. My neck HURTS and so does my back because whiplash is a motherfucker. My dad is strong arming me into going to the chiropractor tomorrow.

Anyway, so my organs felt a little rattled all day yesterday and i felt nauseous most of the day and it didnt exactly wear off as the night wore on. But i went with her cause that's what best friends do, they drag each other to once a month lesbian nights even when they dont really wanna go.

After we left stupid awkward Como's, we drove Noel to the parking lot where she left her car. McMannus started to step out of the car to give Noel a proper hug and then quickly jumped back in, closing the door, saying "um..."

And then BAM. We got t-boned. Some douchetard was backing out his space like a bat out of hell without even looking and smashed into us. Thanks!

For anyone keeping score, that's two accidents in 24 hours. Holler!

we VLOG because... we can.

Between car crashes McMannus and i vlogged. You guys.... it was kinda hot. I mean, you can totally make your own assessment. But i'm telling you, when you put two weirdos in a room with iMovie, props, hats and wine, you get some really ridiculous results.

We told some really long stories and have roughly 1 hour of footage. So im thinking i might do this in installments. The first one has absolutely no theme and/or common thread whatsoever.

Sidenote: While editing the footage i couldn't help but notice how often we break into song. It may or may not have something to do with the fact that she's a radio jock and i am in a band. I could be way off. Samsonite.

I will probably edit most of the rest of the footage into two more videos. We'll see. I think we all know how good i am at following through with creative ideas that require any more than a couple hours of work.