will post pics later... or now.

Once upon a time, Katrina Gulligan and i filled out a myspace survey together. Today, we are going to do that once again. Unlike last time, we will also be writing the questions b/c all of the myspace surveys have been uber lame lately.

Who is someo​ne that can alway​s make you laugh​?​ ​
E: Kat
K: Sarah Palin

What were you doing​ at 10am this morni​ng?​
E: On 8 mile dropping off my paid for lady friend from last night....needless to say i was late for work.
K: I was walking on sunshine!



What were you doing an hour ago?
E: Picking up another hooker
K: Eating mushroom soup.​

Do you plan on movin​g withi​n the next year?​
E: Yes. I plan on moving back to Zimbabwe, my homeland.
K: Moving on up... to the east side.

Are you weari​ng anyth​ing on your feet?​
E: Stripper heels with the fish still in them...
K: 3 pairs of socks because it's ccccold up here. Gay.

What are you looki​ng forwa​rd to in the next 3 month​s?​
E: I'm looking uh forward to uh the uh um...winning the nobel prize um for uh white water rafting.
K: I'm looking forward to the age of aquarius.

Do you remem​ber your dream​s?​
E:(Clearly not because she's taking forever to think of a single dream) Sometimes (I waited five minutes to type that answer)
K: Yes.

Where​ did your last hug take place​?​
E: Since my hug monitor (Kat) couldn't verify my last two hours in the hug log...i'm going to say Kat in an alley.
K Actually it was in a foyer.

Have you been to a baby showe​r?​
E: I'm mexican what do you think?!
K: No, and baby's raining would be all sorts of weird.

What cell phone​ compa​ny do you use?
E:
K:

What color​ is your hair brush​?​
E: Glittery rainbow.
K: Mauve

Do you watch​ the Super​ Bowl?​
E: Do a dogs lips move when he reads?
K: Shit son. Not since dinosaurs roamed the earth.

What about​ World​ Cup?
E: No. I don't believe in soccer.
K: Yes, when that girl took off her shirt like 10 years ago.



Do you sleep​ with a teddy​ bear?​
E: Maybe....who's asking?
K: No....only a mermaid.

What is the last movie​ you watch​ed?​
E: Debbie Does Dallas
K: Debbie Does Dallas Again.

What movie​ do you think​ every​one shoul​d watch​?​
E: Debbie Does Dallas
K: Debbie Does Dallas Again.

What is your middl​e name?​
E: Consuela
K: Diane Neal

Do you have your futur​e child​ren'​s names​ picke​d out?
E: But of course - ready? Ok: Malachi, Ezekiel, Jeremiah (like the bullfrog), Templeton, Gert and Huey.
K: Gulliver, Xanga, Dotcom, and Thor.

What color​ is your mailb​ox?​
E: Gold??????????????????????????????????????????
K: Whatever color it wants to be that day

Do you have to drive​ over a bridg​e to get home?​
E: Only a bridge over troubled water unless the levee breaks.
K: Some bridge to terabithia

How many cars can fit in your drive​way?​
E: 13.43333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333
K:1975.32 (you can stack them)

Who was your Kinde​rgard​en teach​er?​
E: My grandma, actually
K: Miss Moaner

Are you talle​r than your mom?
E: Only on tuesdays and thursdays (see stripper heels above) which is why i visit on saturdays
K:No, but I'm taller than your mom. I talled your mom last night actually

Do you have any bruis​es right​ now?
E: Yes...i was in a cage fight last night....but you should have seen the other guy....you can still see his dental records, but that's about it.
K: I'm the other guy.

Are you cold right​ now?
E: No, i'm sitting in an oven. I keep my room at Hansel and gretal temperature. It's roughly 140 degrees celsius right now.
K: I'm sweating my proverbial balls off

Do any of your close​ frien​ds have kids?​
E: Just your five kids
K: No....i have a strict rule against procreation that I enforce with homosexuality

Do you know anyon​e who is pregn​ant right​ now?
E: Well, me.
K: Yeah 3 people! And i might be a god mother....oh geez

How many years​ older​ and young​er than you are you willi​ng to date?​
E: 53 Years give or take
K: 2 months younger....50 years older

What brand​ are your favor​ite jeans​ you own?
E: Osh Kosh B'gosh
K: Gloria Vanderbilt

What is the close​st red objec​t to you?
E: Mars
K: A Panda



What is your favor​ite video​ game?​
E: Original Mario Brothers
k: Oh geez. Mario Kart, Beetle Adventure Racing, Cool Boarders 3, Wave Race....SPYRO!!!!!!!!!!!!!, Goldeneye, Perfect Dark. Toy Story, Mario Part. Super Mario Brother 3

Do you play games​ on your cell phone​?​
E: I don't play games. Period.
K: You keep saying to quit playing games with your heart.

Do you look more like your mom or dad?
E: I look like the milk man
K:I look like i'm adopted

Have you ever broke​n a pinat​a?​
E: I'm mexican....I can't afford a pinata
K: I merked that bad boy.



If someo​ne doesn​t like you its proba​bly becau​se:​
E: Because they're busy hating the player and not the game
K: They're jealous of the perfect package
just kiddi​ng.​

Who was the last perso​n in your bedro​om?​
E: your girlfriend
K: my girlfriend

Have you ever crawl​ed throu​gh a windo​w?​
E: Yeah!!! OMG I had to break into my house, two weeks ago....it wasn't until I tried to take the tv out of the house and the police were called that I realized it wasn't my house. it happens a lot.

Do you lose your keys often​?​
E:No i keep them on a hook i had that i had implanted into my uh neck...but it's magnetic so even if i bend over it doesn't fall off
K: I don't want to talk about it

When was your last encou​nter with the polic​e?​
E: Undercover cop. drugs. prostitutes may or may not have been involved.
K: It was when I got kicked out of canada....please.

Do you sing in the showe​r?​
E: YES! Showtunes!
K: No.... I don't have a shower....or vocal cords for that matter.

My three favorite things today:

Eric's mustache.


JP:


And hanging out with Kat.

it's about effing time.

Guess what? I may or may not have started, stalled and then abandoned 15,000 blog posts. Holler for ADD and indecision! I have no idea how to combine all of them and/or edit them so I’m just going to start from scratch and do a “this is crap I am basically in love with right now” post. I’d do a “year in review” post, but I don’t really wanna talk about 2008. We’re still in a fight.

1. Fourfour



I found his blog through Riese many moons ago and I love it. I had been a little sluggish about my online reading which had a lot to do with number nine on this list. Fourfour does recaps of America’s Next Top Model, a show I’ve watched a handful of times. His screencaps paired with commentary are so spot on and hilarious that I have read nearly all of them. And I’m fairly certain that show has been on since the Brady Bunch did their variety show. Funny. Very, very funny.


2. This article



It’s called “15 Favorite Most Ridiculous Women” aka “15 Women Gay Men Love”. As the daughter of a gay man I understand the sort of unspoken obsession/love one has for people like Madonna and Liza and Whitney and Kathy Lee. It’s on par with watching/singing along to ‘Hello Dolly’ and possibly doing the can-can in the living room and maybe also watching ‘p.s. I love you’ with a box of Kleenex and cookies.

Much like the aforementioned activities, appreciating divas for their general fabulousness is undoubtedly coupled with watching their train-wreck selves say stupid shit and throw compacts at Madonna a la Courtney Love. This article is the pies de resistance, the best of the best, the homecoming court of crazy, if you will.


3. Riese’s Blog

She’s basically my hero. Reading her blog feels like going home. And as a person who doesn’t really remember what that feels like in real life, I really appreciate the shit out of finding it with my eyes on the internets. She’s made me laugh and she’s blown me away. It’s better than CATS, which, ps, I hate. (see also, The Phantom of The Opera, Romeo and Juliet and a play I did at HFCC a million years ago called 24 Hours to Live?)

Right now, she has a blog up about her hilarious mothers and their Chanukah wish lists. I was fighting the urge to roll on the floor laughing my ass off when I read it yesterday. I’m telling you, she’s funny.


4. Gmail, Gmail Chat, etc.

I heart Gmail. It’s just fabulous. It has its quirks like any other free web mail provider (i.e. you cant sort your email into file folders) but mostly it’s just awesome. It’s fast and the junk mail filter is awesome and they offer Gmail Chat which is about a million times better than any other chat program. I don’t even wanna talk about Facebook chat. We’re in a fight too b/c it fucks up all the time and makes me wanna pull my hair out. But Gmail, they got it right. The chat rarely times out, does not putz regardless of your internet speed (which is a big deal in my house now) and if you turn on the sound the little chime is not even slightly annoying.

5. Pepperocini’s



One of my failed blog entries was filled with three pages of me waxing crazy on how much I love pepperocinis. I really do love them a lot. I brought a jar of them to our recording sessions in Algonac and Chelsea looked at me like I had opened a jar of monkey testicles and started putting them in my life. I swear to you, pepperocinis are delicious. Theyre spicy and pickled and delicious. Holler!


6. This incident:

11.04.08

I engaged in one of the strangest text message convos of all time with the contact labeled in my phone as “Jay (soho)”. The following has been edited to spare any permanent emotional scarring:

ME: get your ass out and vote!
JAY: sure will! Who is this?
ME: It’s Elida.
JAY: ok cool. I’ll add you to my contacts.
ME: cool. :)

Then I received a call from him the following morning, which I missed b/c I was taking a shower. I thought it was weird and then…

JAY: Call me.

I looked at my phone and thought, that’s weird. Jay never calls me. But it can’t be that important b/c he didn’t leave a voicemail. Then, he called me AGAIN. I was annoyed so I ignored it. Of course, he decided to text me again.

JAY: Call me.
ME: Can’t. I’m at work.
JAY: What, you don’t eat lunch?

I mean, really, who asks that? So I decided to be a smart ass.

ME: Nope.
JAY: When do you get off work?

Then I thought, ok, what the fuck? Who is this guy and why is he pestering the shit out of me. There’s no way this is the Jay I know. Maybe Jay changed his number and I am somehow communicating with some random person. So, I decided to make shit up.

ME: I’m working late. I have a big project. I’m probs be burning the midnight oil.
JAY: Where do you work?

Really, Papi? Really?

ME: Deloitte. (hi, Michelle!)
JAY: When do you get off work?
ME: Where do you work?
JAY: When do you get off work?
ME: Answer my question.
JAY: What question?
ME: omg, where do you work?
JAY: Bridge Water.

Bridge Water? I googled it. Nothing came up.

Then several hours passed. He sent this:

JAY: So, I really want to figure out how I know you.
ME: I really don’t see the point.

I mean, really? What’s the point? I could tell he was a dude cause most dudes usually are waaayyy more aggressive and forward, especially via text. And then, he sent this:

JAY: Well, I’m single and looking for my queen. Could that be you?

I literally LOL-ed so intensely that I spit all over my phone. Cheese-tastic!

ME: Sorry but im a gay lady.
JAY: And?

Oh, gross. I HATE when straight guys think they are god’s gift to every woman on the planet. To those guys, the obnoxious ones like this guy, being gay means nothing to them. They don’t get it. They see a lesbian and they think: how can I get her to sleep with me and her lady friend at the same time? Newsflash to every straight guy everywhere: Lesbians do not want to have sex with you. If they wanted to, they’d be bi. So stop asking/alluding. Thanks. I digress…

ME: And I only date other gay ladies.
JAY: What’s wrong? Can’t handle a real man cant add real meat instead of plastic?

What? The? FUCK?! I was all, “aww heeeelllll noooo!” I slammed my phone shut and tried not to puke. Gross. Gross. Gross. And how fucking forward. What was he thinking? Omg. Omg. Omg.

ME: gross. I just threw up in my mouth.
JAY: hey, don’t you play guitar?

Dum. Dum. Dum.

I reeled back. What did he just ask me? How does this bastard know me?

ME: yeah.
JAY: I know how I me you. It was at a concert. We talked about playing a show together w/both our bands.
ME: hahaha. Wow.
JAY: we should jam together.

Hahaha. No thanks, Jay. You are officially cut off and furthermore, you should not really be allowed to talk to people. You are a creep ass. I’m still a little confused as to why he insists on texting me almost daily, at least once to say, “hey sexy.” I mean, c’mon. It’s been WEEKS since his disgusting comments and I have yet to respond to anything.

And then he sent me a picture via text message. This was maybe three days ago. I open my phone and see that it’s from, sick ass Jay and I rolled my eyes. Picture message? I braced myself and opened the message.

Of course, it was a picture of an 8 person orgy and the message read: “if u were 2 walk past this wud u walk away or join in? pass this on and find out who ur freaky friendz r!!!”

Ew.


7. This Snow!!

A soon as I leave work in t-minus 15 minutes, I am heading home to bundle up and then I plan on rolling in the snow til dinner time. A sled may or may not be involved. I mean, have you looked outside today? It’s amazing!


8. The Dark Knight



I’ve been watching that movie on loop, Blockbuster video store style since I got my hands on it a few days ago. Love it. It’s so good and it gets better every time I watch it. You know what probably doesn’t get better every time you watch it? “p.s. I love you”. That was the saddest effing movie I have ever seen. I cried through almost the entire thing. I mean, Christ. I cannot remember the last time I laughed whilst crying so hard I was choking. Saddest movie ever.

Wanna know what movie wont make you cry? Um… The Dark Knight? Why? Because there’s no crying in baseball. Wait… That’s not right.


9. Backgammon



I have already accepted the fact that I am 80 years old on the inside. The sooner you do too, the better. I play backgammon every single day and I have no idea why. Well, I mean, clearly I’m in love with it, so that’s probably why. But, the game is really not that amazing. But my brain seems to think so. I sit down at my computer and I think to myself, “you know what I should do right now? Play backgammon.”

In case you’re wondering, absolutely no one will play the game with me, so I have to play the computer, which is fine cause shes an animated lady and shes kinda pretty. So, I mean, that’s fine. Val tried to play with me while she was home and then accused me of making up the rules, even though she hasn’t played since the early nineties when she was practically just hatched. For real, val, I would not hussle you at backgammon cause I love both of you so much.

Even after I pulled out the official rules she claimed that I made those up too, “yeah but you found those on the internet,” she said.

“I got these from, like, the official backgammon society or whatever. It’s legit.”

Shaking her head, “I don’t wanna play anymore. This game sucks. And you’re cheating.”


10. Life

I couldn’t think of anything to put for number ten besides my favorite on-ramp. And I would’ve included that, but it’s closed for construction right now, so… It doesn’t get to make any lists until it re-opens and starts bringing joy to my life again.

But, it’s totally all good cause I’m so high on life I barely noticed. Holler! And I know that might sound crazy, and it’s probably annoying to be around, but I am really happy to be alive and writing this and working and breathing and drinking this bottle of Aquafina. I’d like to close with one of my favorite movie quotes of all time:

it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday.

Merry Christmas ya’ll! Wheee!