The 13 Worst Album Covers Of All Time [in my possession]

There were at least a dozen or so things I should’ve/could’ve/really needed to do today. Instead, I only did some of the dishes taking over my kitchen (again! Dammit.) and then got sucked into writing this review. Why? Because I was LOLing all over the place when I started hosting the photos on image shack. I started out just writing little preliminary notes on my first impressions. That, of course, snowballed into three hours of laughing/texting/smoking/eating a bowl of cereal/writing/making plans for later tonight. Holla!

Oh, and this stuff:




…is the best wine ever. And it's kosher. (!!) Well, Riesling’s Relax is actually the best wine ever. This one is just the best red wine to drink when you want red wine, but you also kind of want juice at the same time. It was six dollars at the market across the street. Awesome. The market across the street is the best store ever, PS. (They also carry Relax. Double Holla!)

I drank this wine last night while I watched episodes of “Life” online (new NBC crime show with Sarah Shahi from The L Word. Holla! She is smoking hot. Srsly.).




Now on to the subject at hand.

I found this blog a few years ago where the guy listed off the ten worst album covers of all time. He did little commentaries on them and I nearly died laughing in my cubicle.

Anyway, I was gonna repost it here so everyone could share in my joy. But then I had this little epiphany: I have a shit ton of goofy albums. In fact, I usually buy albums based solely on how much the cover will make me laugh. So, I went digging through my own personal collection of albums with shitty covers.

I present to you now…

The 13 Worst Album Covers Of All Time [in my possession]:




13. “‘S Marvelous” – Ray Conniff and His Orchestra

These people are rolling on E like whoa. Look at the way they’re hugging those random poles. The lady with the fox around her neck is clearly the funniest one in this group. She probably just farted and the guy on her right is laughing so hard he can barely breathe. Like, “Seriously, Dawn….hahaha…oh my god…quit it…ahahahaha.”

The guy to her left obviously thinks he is being clever by sort of hiding behind his big red pole with a stupid smile on his face. Like, “Hello. They don’t really let me talk, on a count of Dawn gassing us out of everywhere we go. And Mark won’t stop laughing. I love this red pole. Hello.”

The old guy on the far right is retarded.

Yep. That’s it.

Haha. Awesome.




12. Rusty Warren “Bounces Back”

From what? Death? Cause she looks pretty dead to me. There’s no bounce left in this one, I think. I mean, srsly. We are looking at a corpse here.

The cover also claims that she is the “life of the party”. Ironic? Hopeful? She could only conceivably be the afterlife of the party (i.e. her funeral, memorial service, etc.). But thanks for trying Rusty. “A” for effort.




11. “Show Time” – Kirby Stone Four

These guys are NEVER gonna get laid unless they do each other. And, you know, now that I’ve taken a closer look, they all look pretty homofabulous. Holla!

I love the goofy Edward Norton-esque guy on the bottom. His hands are together like he’s praying. But for what? Probs, he’s hoping to score with the guy all the way at the top.

The Buddy Holly in the glasses has his arms out, like “I dunno what I’m doing in this queer little group. But I have a bow tie, so it’s all good.”

The next guy up probably leads a double life as a drag queen, which is all kinds of fantastic.

The guy on top is probably the only one with any meansure of talent and he's just trying to make the best of it. Also, he is probs very conceited. I mean, look at his senior picture pose. This whole todem pole thing was probably his idea.




10. “Whipped Cream & Other Delights” – Herb Alpert’s Tijuana Brass

Um…gross. This whole, ‘covered in whipped cream’ thing is just not working for this girl. Nothing about this is even remotely sexy. In fact, it makes me want to do a number of things:

1. Throw up. Like, all over the place in one big mess. Preferably, on her. Or, the person who subjected her to this hideous little setup. Gross.
2. Never eat whipped cream again. I mean, I wasn’t a very big fan to begin with. This just sort of cemented it.
3. Not listen to this album. Ever. In fact, I have yet to. And I probably never will. Unless I have people over, we get drunk, and someone says something like, “hey, let’s listen to some of your retarded albums. Do you still have the one with that girl covered in whipped cream?”




9. “Sing Along With Mitch” – Mitch Miller and The Gang

Mitch looks like a tool. I don’t want to sing along with him. I want to punch him in the baby maker for the stupid face he’s making. He probs drinks alone a lot.




8. “More Sing Along With Mitch” Mitch Miller and The Gang

Like I didn’t get enough the first goddamn time…

The crazy thing, is that I’ve seen a whole series of these. Like, “Still Singing Along With Mitch”, “C’mon, Keep Singing Along With Mitch”, “For Real, Just Keep On, Keeping On Singing Along With Mitch”, “Stick With Us Guys, Mitch Isn’t Quite Done Singing”, “Shit, Mitch, No One Wants To Sing Along With You Anymore”, “…Um, For Real, Mitch. Gimme The Mic. You’re Done...Mitch. Mitch!”




7. Roger Williams “With These Hands”

Just what exactly did Roger Williams do with those hands? Did he kill someone? Did he strangle a man to death behind a Taco Bell? Probs yes.




6. “Saturday Night Fiedler”

Best. Album. Cover. Ever. Obvs.

This is the coolest old bird to have ever walked the earth. I wish he could be my fourth grandpa. Holla, Fiedler! Can we be friends? Call me.




5. “Who’s Making Love… Johnnie Taylor”

Unless we’re talking date rape, then Johnnie Taylor is not making love to anyone. What a creeper. Look at this guy. The fro. The bling. The "yeah, i'm SUPERfly" expression on his face.

And he's glowing like he's radioactive or something. NO ONE wants to hit that. (FYI, Johnnie)




4. “The ORIGINAL Five Blind Boys of Alabama”

Ok, I know it’s not exactly PC to laugh at blind people, but this cover is just ridic. I LOLed so hard when I first saw this album. I had to have it immediately.

When I first looked at this album, I thought to myself, “why in the hell are they wearing those fake military uniforms with gold tassles and gold canes? WHY? Who told them that was a good idea?” And also, “Where can I get something similar? That would make a sweet Halloween costume.”

It turns out, they were doing a gaudy-fabulous throwback to the title track: “I’m A Soldier In The Army of The Lord”. Awesome. The tag in the bottom right hand corner touts their other big “hit”: “GOD SAID IT (that’s good enough for me)”. Even more awesome.

Also, you may or may not notice this initially, but the guy in the back is just sort of floating. His legs are nowhere to be seen. He’s just hovering there like Jesus, showing off his sweet ass fro. God bless.




3. Montrose “Jump On It”

If you’re asking yourself, “is that a crotch?” Then, the answer is “Heck yes!”. And, judging from the suggestive title, we’re supposed to “Jump On It.”

The front of this album is only made better by the back:




Yep. That’s an ass. I wonder if we’re supposed to jump on that too? Probs yes.




2. “The Happy Trumpet” - Al ‘He’s The King’ Hurt

Yep, he’s the king alright. Totally. Only not. Not even a little bit.

Dum roll please…


















1. “UK Squeeze”

This album is so awesome. Look at this cover: Hot pink. Muscle-y dude in a speedo. Not only is the cover a-freakin-mazing, the back is pretty sweet too.




See what I mean? This one is overflowing with awesomeness. AND it’s a red vinyl album too. Holla! Love it.

I got this for Eric when I went to Toronto last winter. But then he forgot it/probs left it for me, knowing how much I love it. Thanks, Eric! Love you.

And it doesn’t sound half bad. It includes several classics such as: “Sex Master”, “Bang Bang”, and “Wild Sewerage Tickles Brazil”. Hot. Hot. Hot.

Genius.