i'm so hungry right now, i could eat your leg off. and i'm a vegetarian.

This year has been rough. I know I've mentioned it maybe one hundred times, but it has been. Furthermore, I am more than aware that it could be worse for me, for anyone, now, in the past, something that hasn't even happened yet. I know it all too well. Yet, I still feel so incredibly frustrated by the course the year has taken.

January was interesting. I cut out an longtime friend, was in the throws of a new relationship, gave up on another friend, started a band and was the subject of an intervention of sorts.

In February, I hadn't even drifted to sleep after a night of confessions when I saw the flames billowing. Days later I dug my shit out of the wreckage, said goodbye and left a message. Less than a week later, I was laid off by the worst employer I have ever encountered. Never, ever work for a law firm, unless you are a masochist or like working with lawyers, or enjoy working with assholes that treat you like shit. Just a suggestion.

Anyway, that job was gone and I was crashing literally and figuratively in a hollowed out cave of an apt. down the street from the one I used to call home. It was cold and the ceilings were high, the floors bare. Every move was echoed.

I hated that place. The way the rabbits would claw at the bottoms of their cages, hoping against all odds, that this time, they'd free themselves. And for what? I'm not sure. Ever if those damn things somehow found freedom, they'd probably freeze in terror. You see, rabbits are not very thoughtful creatures.

Everything was put on hold in February. I waited and waited for a job and the cold winds wouldn't let up, so we clung to each other, her and I. And we watched movies and made the same food for dinner every night.

One night, I was hit in the face with a fig newton.

In March, I landed a job. It seriously dropped straight out of the sky. I didn't apply, didn't interview. After maybe four emails total, I received a phone call: "you start Monday."

I started Monday.

The job began slowly. There was a lot of waiting around, a lot of checking and re-checking Facebook and making conversation with a mother-daughter team I could barely stand. I don't do well with adults who speak in baby voices. Never have. I think it is bar none, one of the most unacceptable forms of speaking, regardless of age.

The days and weeks between then and now are considerably blurry. A lot of shit has gone down. A lot with her. Lost a friend, gained some new ones, got the band going again, got the cops called on us.

And those cops, let me tell you... They loved us. From the moment they crossed the threshold, they were apologies and "you guys sound really good. who's singing? you? wow, your voice in incredible. Who was on the drums? you were awesome...you shook the porch though and your neighbors are pissed. I'm not kidding the house was vibrating."

There were a lot of bar nights, but responsible ones this year, which means that Chelsea ate a lot of chicken fingers. I started drinking beer, which I have long since lobbied against. I can thank Chelsea for that. Those damn Corona's.

There was a period of maybe two weeks when I felt so completely on edge that I feared I would never learn to plan for the future again. I thought I was going to lose her forever. And come to think of it, I still feel that way, especially now. I don't know when I'll be able to function in any other way than trying to power through each day, one at a time, head down. With the job market and the gas prices and this stupid job and some other shit with her that I am not at liberty to mention.

There's a lot. The summer would be looking up a bit more, except now I can't think of much else besides food. My belly has given up on me after only two days of what some would argue as a dangerous lack of sustenance. But I'm too terrified to eat much of anything. I will probably lose this job, the second one this year, a week from today. I learned from the last time, so I do have some money in savings.

But last time, I was writing songs on the couch at night for a month, hoping to hear back from the dozens of applications I had sent out. And you know, it just sucks so much more this time around. This is easily, the best job I have ever had. I make my own hours, work alone most of the time, unless I feel like socializing. I meet new people everyday, make my own appointments. I've discovered nearly all there is to Ann Arbor at this point, and I like it. I was just starting to feel comfortable.

But then last week Friday there was a conversation that closed with a hand shake and a "thanks for all your hard work. we hope to work with you again in the future." And that conversation was right after one telling me I'd have work here indefinitely. And then there was a phone call, "We'd like you to come back on the 9th." And then another phone call, "Actually, can you start back Tuesday? We really need your help."

And then there was a secret email sent around with instructions not to share it with me. But I have made friends with the right people, and so I was handed the confidential email, this one stating, "elida's last day is next week Friday...please do not mention anything to her...run all assignments through me...I'll be handling the planning of her last week."

And like that, I'm on the streets again. In less than a week, there will be no job in Ann Arbor and school is gently screaming in my ear that I'm not done yet, not even close. And there's a video I've been working on that needs to be completed for my sister. There is no alternative. I made a promise. And there are shows to be played. And rent to be paid. And money that is owed, that cannot go without being repaid for another day. It simply can't. And then, there's my belly again, aching for something...

I just want things to turn around, more than I've ever wanted them to. Well, actually, that's not true. I wanted it the most when my mom was sick. But she's better now.

So, technically this is the second most desperate I've felt for a change in pace, luck, karma, anything. And it might. But I'm not gonna bet on it anytime soon. The preceding events have proven that even when it gets better, it only stays that way for a hot second. Eh. Whatevs. I'm done rambling now. Apologizes all around for my sunny disposition and/or desire to return phone calls. I need to figure this shit out.