hickeyhickeyhickey

[update: the word of the day/this post is "ridiculous". if you turn it into a drinking game where you take a shot everytime I write it, you'll be wasted by the end. Trust me.]

This weekend was ridiculous. I know that the new weekend is upon us, but it's taken me a while to get this one done. You see, I started out by writing this extremely long, incredibly vivid recap of everything, only to discover that I couldn't bare to continue on that way. I mean, if I get bored re-reading what I've written, chances are you will too. And what's fair about that? Nothing. Exactly.

Friday: Band Practice

It didn't last very long. Chelsea's voice was busy hating us, so we didn't squeeze in as much time as we probably should've. But it was all good, cause I got a pizza from Hungry Howie's before hand and it was delicious. I freaking love their pizza and Noel lives really close to one. Thank you, Noel.

The Pub Crawl

Never take directions from English. She'll just lead you in circles that will repeatedly spit you back onto Woodward. You'll get mad and want to punch her and then you will punch her and then the next day she'll say, "I was washing my arms this morning and I thought, 'did i get sunburned?'. Nope it's just a bunch of bruises from Hickey." Btw, she calls me Hickey.



see the girl taking a bite out of the other girl's ass? that's english.

The first bar we went to was this uber pretentious place called Bosco that I thought was really lame. I mean, it was pretty or whatevs, but it was too modern and loud and expensive and dark.

While there I spoke with a man who was talking non-stop about how bad he wanted a cigarette. Apparently, time does not help at all. That dude hadn't had a cigarette in eight months. So, either, he was lying about how long it had been or quitting smoking is really, really hard.

It wasn't long before we ended up at Soho. That was our second of two stops for the night. Well, let me elaborate. English and I got there late, so everyone else had already seen $10 worth of drunken fools. I'd say, we saw maybe $1 worth, but paid full price. Whatevs. I love Soho. I'm totally not complaining and here's why:

There was a fight.

While at Soho I witnessed the sissiest fight ever.

OMG, but before you do that, please go here. I went looking for a picture of a dyke fight and I stumbled upon this gem. Please click the damn link. You will die. It's some band in the UK whose music is: Christian Rap/Death Metal/Bluegrass. I swear to you I'm not making it up. Their headline reads: "Music Banging In Your Ass Soon."

That just made my day.



You're welcome.

Let me sort of preface the fight I saw with the fights I've seen very recently. I go to Como's on a regular basis for their Ladies Nights. Now, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that putting a whole bunch of drunken lesbians in one big room will lead to drama. And not just any kind of drama: dyke drama.

Dyke drama is awesome to watch, but absolutely horrible to be involved in. I've been on both ends and it gets out of hand really quickly. All it takes is one wrong word, or even a look and drinks are flying, fists are out and very butch girls are being torn apart by enormous men.

It can get ugly.

I've witnessed tons of fights, and they were never the hair pulling/scratch fests you might typically imagine from a bunch of ladies. They have always been very intense and look painful. I'm talking fists, elbows, feet, knees, beer bottles, etc. Those girls get crazy.

Now, gay boys are totally different. I feel like most of them would rather have a dance-off or something instead of breaking out into a brawl.

The boys that fought that night at Soho were ridiculous. They were medium height, rail thin, pretty boys who started a sort of slapping/shoving match. Somehow one of their drinks fell to the ground. Just after the shattering of glass, the boys went sort of skipping off into the alley. They were chasing after one another, but they were so light on their feet that it looked like skipping.

I almost laughed myself retarded.

I got hungry.

English and I left the bar around close and walked back to her house. She was all sorts of wound up. When she drinks it's kind of like giving speed to someone who is already heavily sedated. She kind of runs around slowly, but all smiles and will not stop swinging her fists at me.

During the walk back, she made it a point to jump and smack every single hanging plant and street sign.

We ended up in the car in search of food that led us, somehow to Detroit. I really couldn't tell you how that happened. One minute we were in line at Leo's in Royal Oak and then next we were pulling through my old favorite drive-thru coney place in the heart of a really shitty neighborhood.

Now, I've spent a decent amount of time in Detroit and I'll fight you to the death over the city. It's not scary. I mean, it should be, if you're an idiot. But, if you're smart and careful and aware you'll be fine. Bums and lowlifes are akin to dogs and bees. They can smell your stinky fear from a mile away.

Anyway, we drove back to her house and watched some random non-porn lesbian movie with British people in it wearing period clothing. I don't really remember all of it. I was too busy laughing at English while she tried not to fall asleep with a plate of french toast balancing in her hand.

It was awesome.

Saturday: the show in Toledo

Before we left for the show @ Rick's, I made a stop at my cousin's house. Her stupid brother downloaded a million viruses onto her computer. And Dennis, if you're reading this...I mean, I doubt you are because you hate reading and never go on the computer for anything that is not porn...just know that we know what you did. The computer was jacked and Jenny wants to beat you with reeds.

We drove to the show in two separate cars. Chelsea (old lady driver) and Tan Bone in the Jimmy and English, Noel and I in Louise (my car). We sweat our asses off in my stupid non-air conditioned car. But it was all good cause English pimped out my back seat. She took all the glow sticks left over from Audrey's birthday and stuck them to the ceiling. Oh, and she also took a tampon and put that with the glow sticks. And it was open. An open tampon. Unused, but open.

Anna's

We stopped and got food at this little diner down the street from Rick's. It was quaint. I think I terrified our waitress at first. You see, I was wearing a gift that Audrey had purchased for me about a week before: a boob whistle.

I tried to do a Google image search for a picture to show you, but that was ridiculous. Don't ever search for an image of a boob whistle when you're at work. Just don't.

Anyway, the whistle is awesome.

During our meal Tan Bone was already getting wound up. I love it when she gets hyper. She started bugging me about not eating meat. And, you know, i find it strange, because I NEVER bug people about eating meat, but i find myself being badgered by people who can't understand why I don't. I mean, who the hell cares? You do, I don't. It's kind of like sex with boys. Just leave it alone.

Anyway, she had some very profound things to say, such as:

"What if you landed on a deserted island and all there was to eat was grasshoppers. What would you do then, huh?"

and

"Ok, you eat eggs because they're unfertilized, but would you eat an unfertilized baby turkey?"

Yeah. I probably don't have to bother with explaining why both of those questions are stupid. They're funny as hell, but they're ridiculous. I think I might love her even more for them.

The show, sort of

The show went really well. Somehow we had more people there for us than any of the other bands, which doesn't make any sense. I mean, they actually live nearby and they couldn't round up a few troops? We drove over and hour and so did everyone else that came top see us. I mean, Christ.

Anyway, we made some new friends and almost died during the last act. The lead singer was probably in her late twenties, early thirties and she danced around during their whole set. And when I say dance, picture some cross between Elaine Benes, Marsha Brady and a belly dancer. It was that amazing.

We don't want to sleep tonight...

After the show we went out to the parking lot and stood around being stupid. All of us were stone cold sober, but we were wicked slap happy. Tan Bone had switched it into high gear and danced around the parking lot like Tina Turner having a panic attack. I couldn't stop laughing.

Stop breaking the law, asshole.

I saw this little animated graphic thing on a website with text that fades in and out and it read:

Before there were lawyer ads on TV...
Before there were lawyer shows on TV...
Before there was TV...
There was Sam Bernstein.

The only things we had before TV were dinosaurs.